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After  Dinner 
Stories 


After   Dinner 
Stories 

By  Famous  Men 


As   told   by 

King  George  of  England   President  Wilson 
Prime  Minister  Ascjuith     David  Belasco 


Chauncey  Uepew 
Henry  Cabot  Lodge 
Theodore  Roosevelt 
Whitelaw   Reid 
Wm.  H.  Taft 


J.  Pierpont  Morgan 
John  D.  Rockefeller 
John  Wanamaker 
Andrew  Carnegie 
Sir  Thomas   Lipton 

and  over   150  others 


Ilhistrated 


New  York 

Hearst's  International   Library  Co. 

1910 


Copyriglit,  1912,  1913,  by 
Intfinatinn.il   Ma,i;;i/iiie  Co. 

Co])yrii^lit,    1914,  V)y 
Hearst's  International   Library  Co.,   Inc. 

All    ri^hti    reserved,    imluiiins    the    translation    into    foreign 
Linsua^es,  intluJini  the  Scandinavian. 


Contents 


PAGE 

United   States  Marshal   Aheriiathy 13 

Miss   Maude    Adams 46 

Miss  Jane    Addams 9' 

George   Ade ~5,  30 

King  Albert J^ 

Robert    J.    Aley,    comic    portrait 19 

"  Private "    John    Allen ^4 

Captain    Hoald    Amuiidscn,   comic   portrait      .      .      .  2'^ 

J.  Ogden  Armour 2G 

Senator    Aaliurst,    comic    portrait ~7 

Prime  Minister  Asquith 39 

John    Mollis    Bankhcad,    comic    jiortrait      ....  31 

John    Barrett 13,  (iO 

David    Ik'la.sc'o,   comic  portrait 11 

August   Belmont 41 

i;.   C.   Benedict 7i 

Senator    Bcveridge 1^ 

(jeneral   J.   C.    Black,   comic  portrait IJ.j 

Senator    William    ().    Bradley,    comic    portrait     .      .  40 

Col.    John    Breathitt 51 

I.ulhrr   lkirl)ank 22 

Win.  J.    liiirus liJ 

Nicholas   .Murray    IJiitlcr .'iS 

S|)caker   Cannon 30 

Archbishop    of    Cantcriiury 17 

Walter    Camp }1 

Mrs.  Carrie  Chapman   Call 18 


Contents 


PAGE 

HoluTt    W.    ChanilHTS 23 

I'iiptain    Cliarlcs 5G 

Champ    Clark 20,  59 

Edgar    E.    Clark,    cuiiiic    jiDrlrdil 121 

Sir  Purdon  Clarke G9 

Hon.  Bourkc  Cockran 49 

Col.  William  F.  Cody 38 

Doctor  Cook 20 

W.  J.   ("Fingy")   Coiiiars 53 

Senator  Crane lOl 

William  H. 'Crane,  comic  porlrail      ....          .  4(i 

Senator   Cummins 34 

Glenn   H.  Curti.ss 50 

Congressman    Cushman 17 

Clarence   Darrow,   comic   itorlrait 51 

Senator  Jeff  Davis 48 

Governor    Deneen 40 

Senator    Chauncey    M.    Dei)e\v 70 

John   A.   Dix 32 

Senator  Jonathan   P.   DoUiver IIG 

Ex-Governor   Draper 54 

Ex-Mayor  Dunne 22 

George   Eastman 63 

Wallace  Eddinger 47 

Thomas    A.    Edison ()5,  66 

Senator    Elkins 62 

King   Victor   Emanuel 112 

Kear-Admiral  William  H.  Emory 34 

Ex-President    Fallieres 123 

John  T.  Featherston,  cumic  jxjrtniil 57 

Stuyvesant    Fish,    comic    portrait (il 

Admiral   Fletcher,  comic  portrait 11 

Dr.    Simon    Flcxncr 77 

Sewell   Ford 28 


Contents 

PAGE 

Simeon    Ford ■** 

Governor   Foss ^0 

David  R.  Francis 81 

Chief  Justice   Fuller 55 

General    Funston 3G 

A.  P.  Gardner 88 

Henry  George 82 

King   George    the   Fifth 89 

Cardinal  Giblmns 50 

J.   A.   Gilmore 4^ 

John    Golden 38 

Senator    James    Gordon H 

Senator   Gore GO' 

George  Gould W 

Curtis    Guild 74 

Ex-Governor  Hadley,  comic  portrait 67 

President    Hadley 99 

Senator    Hale 70 

Judson    Harmon 93 

Job    Hedges ~'8 

().    Henry ''•5 

Ueprcsentative  Henry 73 

George    A.    Hill 7(j 

James   J.    Hill 58 

Newell   Dwight    Hillis 48 

Frank    H.    Hitchcock T2 

Justice  Oliver  Wendell   Holmes 78 

William     Dean     Howells      . 18 

Klhert    Hui)l.ar(l 84 

Governor    Hiram    W.    .loinison 12 

Dr.   David   Starr  .lordaii Ill 

Senator    Kenyon ^7 

.lolm    W.    Kern IKi 

Wilton    Lackfiye 08 


Contents 

PAGK 

Scnalor    La    T'ollfltc 95 

l-:verctt  J.  Lake (i7 

William   Lawrence 50 

Judge  George  F.  Law  ton 8li 

Major  General  Jesse  M.   Lee,  comic   jiorlrait     .      .  7() 

F.   W.   Lehniann 100 

Judge   Lindsey 78 

Sir  Thomas  Lipton 88 

Jack    London 37,  li^6 

John  D.  Long 123 

Robert  S.   Lovett 16 

Robert  Macon 94 

Jolin  Mason,  comic  portrnii 81 

Mayor   Marshall 91 

Prof.  Brander  Matthews 14 

William   McAdoo 64 

Wm.  F.  McCombs,  comic  jiortrail 85 

Lee    McClung 109 

Senator   McLean 36 

Bruce   McRae,   comic   portrah 89 

General    Nelson    A.    Miles 68,  135 

Dr.  S.  Weir  Mitchell 121 

J.    Picrpont    Morgan 21 

Senator  Newlands,  comic  porlrail     ......  92 

Barney   Oidndd 105 

Ignace  Padcrewski 108 

Tlioinas    Nelson    Page,    U.    S 90 

Judge   Alton   li.  Parker 115 

Sir   Gilljert   Parker 98 

Ex-Governor  Patterson 52 

Ex-Governor   Pennypacker 35 

Mrs.  J.  G.  Phelps-Stokes 121 

Senator    Miles    Poindcxter,    comic   portrait     ...  96 

Atlee  Pomerene 127 


Contents 

PAGE 

Gen.    Horace    Porter 60 

Guj'    Bates   Post,   comic   porlrnil 102 

Reverend  Lyman  Powell 84 

Opie   Read 101 

AVhitelaw    Reid    ...  100 

John   D.   Rockefeller UG 

Colonel    Roosevelt 7!),  115 

Kermit   Roosevelt \\-2 

Judge    Richard    B.    Russell     . 6J 

Finley  J.  Shepard,  comic  portrait 106 

Lieut.  William  P.  Sheridan 110 

Vice-President   Sherman 104 

Theodore    P.    Shonts 1:20 

Vpton    Sinclair 74 

1".   Hopkinson  Smith 113 

Senator   Reed   Smoot 107 

N'ehemiah  Day  Sjierry 106 

Charles  P.  Steinmetz 110 

Lillian  M.  X.  Stevens 93 

Nathan   Straus 117 

Governor   H.   C.   Stuart,   comic  portrait      ....    114 

Ex-President  Taft 3,.',  86 

Booth   Tarkington 98 

Senator    "Bol)"    Taylor 127 

John   K.   Tener 118 

Senator    Tilhnan 29,  85 

Cornelius   Vaiiderl)iit 26 

l!x-Governor    Vardainan 15 

David     I.    Walsh,    coniic    portrait 118 

Henry    Wattirson 117 

Dr.   Arthur   Wilii^nn    Wliit.- 33 

Ex-Attorney-Gencrai    Wickeishani 120 

Dr.  Harvey  W.  Wil.y 80 

Francis  Wilson 108 


Contents 

PAOE 

James   Wilson .45 

rrcsidcnt  Wilson .  1(>>J 

Kaiser  William ^l 

Uahbi   Wise    .      .      , .  l-'8 

Owen   Wister .  119 

Orville  Wrifjlit,  comic  portrait .  1^2 

Lafayette  Young 125 


After  Dinner  Stories 
By  Famous  JNIen 

ADMIRAL  FLETCHER, 

who  has  been  prominent  in 
the  Mexican  situation,  is 
a  very  prolific  story-teller, 
and  here  is  one  he  tells  as 
an  actual  happening. 

"  An  old-time  blue-jack- 
et was  charged  with  ex- 
tracting food  from  a  laza- 
retto outside  of  meal  hours. 

"  The  captain,  upon  ques- 
tioning the  man,  seemed 
unable  at  first  to  glean  any 
information.  After  a  few 
moments  of  thoughtful  si- 
lence on  the  man's  part, 
liowevcr,   he    replied : 

"  '  Captain,  I  ain't  took  no  food  outer  there 
^^'hy,  Captain,'  he  continued,  convincingly,  *  thar 
weren't  no  food  in  it!  I  looked  in,  and.  Captain, 
I  met  a  cockroach  coming  outer  it  with  tears  in 
his  eves.'  " 

"  THE  EVIDEXCE/'  said  the  judge,  "  shows  that 
you  threw  a  stone  at  tliis  man." 

"Sure,"    rtplifd     Mrs.    O'lloolili.in.    "  .nid     llie 
looks  av  the  man  shows  more  thou  thot,  ycr  Iion- 
our;  it  shows  thot  Oi  hit  him." 
11 


12  After  Dinner  Stories 

WM.  J.  BURNS;,  the  great  detective,  once  suffered 
a  loss  of  reputation  wiili  at  least  one  man.  He 
told  the  story  himself: 

"  I  well  remember,"  said  he,  smiling,  "  a  walk 
I  once  took  down  Market  Street,  in  San  Francisco. 
As  I  strode  along,  proud  and  happy,  a  rose  in  my 
buttonhole  and  a  gold-headed  cane  in  my  hand,  a 
drunken  man  had  the  impudence  to  stop  me. 

"  '  Ain't  you  Mr.  Burns?  '  he  asked. 

"  '  Yes,'  said  I.     '  What  of  it  ?  ' 

"  '  Mr.  Burns  the  detective  }  '  he  hiccoughed. 

"  *  Yes,  yes.  Who  are  you  ? '  I  asked  impa- 
tiently. 

"  '  Mr.  Burns,'  said  he,  '  I'll  tell  you  who  I  am. 
I'm  —  hie  —  the  husband  of  your  washerwoman.' 

"  '  W^ell,  what  of  that  ?  ' 

"  My  scorn  brought  a  sneer  to  the  man's  lips, 
and  he  said: 

"  '  You  see,  you  don't  know  everything,  ]Mr. 
Burns.' 

"  '  What  don't  I  know  ?  ' 

"  '  Well,'  said  he,  '  you  don't  know  that  —  hie  — 
I'm  wearin'  one  of  your  white  shirts.'  " 


SENATOR     BEVERTDGE,  discussing     railroad 
wrecks,  said: 

"  There  is,  I  think,  too  much  bustle,  too  much 
hurry,  about  some  of  our  railroads.  This  hustle, 
when  we  turn  to  the  year's  unpardonable  casual- 
ties, seems  as  indecent  as  the  Si  Taylor  case. 


By  Famous  Men  13 

"  At  Si  Taylor's  funeral  the  doctor  and  the  un- 
dertaker were  conversing  in  low  tones. 

"  '  Too  bad,'  said  the  undertaker,  '  that  poor  Si's 
wife  wasn't  with  hira  wlien  he  ])assed  away.  How 
did  it  happen  ?  ' 

"  '  Mrs.  Taylor,'  the  doctor  whispered,  'was  up- 
town at  the  time  ordering  her  mourning  outfit.' 

"  The  undertaker,  with  a  bitter  smile,  turned 
away  to  supervise  the  funeral  procession.  '  Hold 
on,  gentlemen;  this  won't  do,'  he  said  sternly; 
'  where  is  the  sixth  pallbearer  ?  ' 

"  '  He's  up-stairs,'  another  ])allbearer  explained, 
'  proposing  to  the  widow.'  " 


UNITED  STATES  MARSHAL  ABERXATHY, 
of  Oklahoma,  in  his  gallery  of  reminiscences,  gives 
prominence  to  two  Irishmen  who  had  been  captured 
by  vigilantes  and  were  about  to  be  hanged  for 
horse-stealing.  The  vigilance  committee  took  them 
to  a  bridge  spanning  a  near-by  river,  as  the  place 
where  their  purpose  could  be  accomplished  with  the 
least  effort. 

The  TO])C  was  drawn  taut  about  the  neck  of  the 
first  captive  and  he  was  dropped.  But  the  noose 
slipped,  and  he  swam  away. 

As  the  second  man  was  led  forward  and  asked 
if  he  had  any  last  request  to  make,  he  turned  toward 
the  leader  of  the  lynchers  and  said : 

"  For  thr  love  av  liivven,  tie  that  rope  tight!  I 
can't  swnn,  and  I  don't  want  to  drown  " 


14  After  Dinner  Stories 

DAVID  BELASCO,  play- 
wright ;\m\  theatrical  maii- 
n'^cr,  tells  this  tale  of  the 
(lays  when  he  was  a  iiews- 
))aper  re|)orter.  While  so 
employed  he  put  in  a  few 
days  with  a  gang  of 
tramps  in  order  to  get 
"  colour  "  for  an  article  he 
liad  been  assigned  to  write. 
"  I  found  the  hobos  to 
be  a  merry  lot,  with  as 
many  stories  as  the  end 
man  of  a  minstrel  show. 
One  of  them  told  in  my 
hearing  of  being  given  a 
mince-pie  by  the  young 
wife  of  a  farmer.  Next  day  the  tramp  appeared 
at  the  farmhouse  again  and  said,  '  Would  you  be 
kind  enough,  ma'am,  to  give  me  the  recipe  for  that 
there  mince-pie  what  I  had  liere  yesterday  ?  * 

"  '  Well,  the  idea ! '  cried  the  farmer's  wife. 
*  Land  sakes,  man,  what  do  you  want  that  recipe 
for?' 

"  '  To  settle  a  bet,'  replied  the  tramp.  '  My 
partner  says  you  use  tliree  cups  of  Portland  Ce- 
ment to  one  of  molasses,  but  I  claim  it's  only  two 
and  a  half.'  " 

PROF.  BRANDER  MATTHEWS,  speaking  jok- 
ingly of  his  age,  says  that  he  trusts  he  is  not  yet 


By  Famous  JMen  15 

so  old  that  the  students  can  play  the  trick  on  him 
he  once  saw  turned  on  a  senior  professt)r  in  his  own 
college  days. 

"  Professor  Blank  was  our  most  venerable  in- 
structor in  those  days,  and  he  could  be  just  a  little 
irritable  at  times.  On  one  occasion,  noticing, that 
one  member  of  the  class  who  sat  right  under  his 
eye  never  took  any  notes  nor  paid  the  slightest  at- 
tention to  his  lectures,  he  stopped  the  class  abruptly 
and  demanded, 

"  '  See  here,  young  man,  what  do  you  mean  by 
coming  into  my  classroom  day  after  day  and  never 
taking  notes?  * 

" '  I  have  my  father's,'  was  the  complacent 
reply." 


EX-GOVERNOR  VARDAMAN,  of  ^Mississippi, 
was  a  recent  candidate  for  a  seat  in  the  United 
States  Senate.  On  one  occasion  during  his  tour 
of  the  State  he  expressed  his  sentiments  regarding 
tlie  repeal  of  the  Fourteenth  Amendment  and  was 
loudly  a))i)lauded  by  an  old  coloured  man  standing 
on  the  outskirts  of  the  crowd. 

"  I's  shorely  fer  dat  man,"  said  the  old  negro. 
"  I  shorely  is." 

"  ^\  hy,  you  old  black  rascal,"  exclaimed  a  man 
standing  near,  "  your  son  was  hung  while  Varda- 
man  was  governor." 

"  Dat's  so,"  replied  the  old  man  earnestly,  "  dat's 
j«s  so;  but  he  slio'  wuz  hung  like  a  white  man!  " 


16  After  Dinner  Stories 

ROBERT  S.  LOVETT,  the  new  president  of  the 
Union  Pacific,  tells  this  story: 

"  Recklessness  in  finance  doesn't  pay  —  unless, 
indeed,  it  be  the  cautious  kind  of  recklessness  that 
Legier,  the  baker,  was  noted  for. 

"  Legier,  bent  over  his  counter,  was  working 
away  wi|li  a  pencil  and  a  piece  of  wrapping-paper, 
when  Mrs.  Liscum  entered  for  a  loaf  of  bread. 

"  Noticing  on  the  paper  a  lot  of  familiar  names, 
Mrs.  Liscura  said, 

"  '  What  are  you  figuring  there,  Mr.  Legier?  ' 

'"Well,  ma'am,'  said  Legier,  'I'm  just  putting 
down  the  names  of  all  my  friends  that  I  can  lick.' 

"  '  Is  Harvey  Liscum's  name  there?  '  asked  Mrs. 
Liscum. 

"  '  Yes,'  said  the  baker.     *  Yes,  I  got  it  down.' 

"  Mrs.  Liscum  went  home  and  told  Harvey.  He 
snatched  his  hat  and  hastened  to  the  bakery. 

"  '  Legier,'  he  shouted,  '  is  it  true  what  my  wife 
tells  me  —  that  I  am  on  the  list  of  the  men  you 
can  lick?  ' 

"  '  Yes,'  said  Legier  calmly,  '  I've  got  you  down, 
Mr.  Liscum.' 

"  '  Why,  you  little  shrimp,'  roared  Liscum,  '  I 
could  wipe  up  the  floor  with  you !  I  could  eat  you 
alive !  ' 

"  '  Are  you  sure  you  could?  '  said  the  baker. 

"  '  You  bet  I'm  sure!'  said  Liscum,  sliaking  his 
fist  in  Legier's  face. 

"  '  Well,  tlien,'  said  the  baker  sadly,  '  I  guess  I'll 
cross  you  ofl"  the  list.'  " 


By  Famous  ^len  IT 

CONGRESSMAN    CUSHMAN,   of   Washington, 
was  talking  of  the  panic  years  of  1893-5. 

"  It  was  fortunate  for  me/'  he  said,  "  that  I 
lived  in  Tacoma  then,  for  Tacoma  is  on  the  sea- 
coast,  and  on  the  seacoast  there  is  always  an 
abundance  of  clams.  When  the  tide  is  out  the  table 
is  set.  I  assure  you  that  I  ate  clams  and  ate  clams 
and  ate  clams  until  my  stomach  rose  and  fell  in 
perfect  harmony  with  the  ebb  and  flow  of  the  tide." 


THE  ARCHBISHOP  OF  CANTERBURY  is 
known  among  his  friends  as  especially  partial  to 
two  things,  children  and  jokes,  and  is  rather  fond 
of  telling  the  following  story  against  himself: 

As  Bishop  of  London  he  was  one  day  walking 
in  the  suburbs  of  the  British  capital  when  he 
chanced  upon  a  little  girl  who  was  standing  look- 
ing up  somewhat  wistfully  at  a  four-barred  gate. 
"  Oh,  please,  sir,"  she  asked,  "  will  you  open  this 
gate  for  me.''  " 

Smiling  upon  the  demure  maiden,  the  bishop 
lifted  the  latch  and  pushed  back  the  gate,  but,  in 
spite  of  its  size,  it  swung  so  easily  that  he  said, 
"  You're  such  a  big  little  girl  that  I  should  think 
you  could  yourself  have  opened  so  nice  a  gate  as 
this." 

"  Oh,  I  could,  sir,"  she  replied,  "  but  then  I 
should  have  got  my  hands  all  over  fresli  paint." 
And  then  the  bishop  saw  that  th.it  was  just  what 
liad  liapi)ened  to  him. 


18  ^Vfter  Dinner   Stories 

WILLIAM  DEAN  IIOWELLS,  tlic  novelist,  was 
discussiiifj;  a  new  volume  of  i)octry. 

"  It  is  ambitious,"  lie  said,  "  but  the  tragedy 
seems  to  me  to  be  nuelianieal.  In  faet,  the  grief 
in  these  verses  reminds  nie  of  the  grief  of  a 
Tennessee  mountain  woman. 

"  She  was  eating  pigs'  feet  one  day  at  the  door 
of  her  cabin  when  a  neighbour  came  to  tell  her 
b;id  news.  Her  husband  had  got  in  a  fight  at  the 
Three  Corners  Tavern,  a  ball  had  lodged  in  his 
lungs,  and  he  had  died  soon  after. 

"  The  woman,  a  pig's  foot  held  midway  to  her 
mouth,  listened  to  this  harrowing  tale  in  profound 
silence.  Then,  falling  to  her  pig's  foot  vigorously, 
she  said, 

Wait  till  I  finish  this  pig's  trotter,  an'  yell 
hear  some  hollerin'  as  is  hollerin' !  '  " 

Si 
MRS.  CARRIE  CHAPMAN  CATT,  the   famous 
suflTragette,  speaking  of  a  recent  untactful  motion 
at  a  woman's  club,  said  it  reminded  her,  in  its  deli- 
cacy, of  the  story  of  a  Ripon  man. 

"  This  man  got  married,  and  after  several  years 
had  elapsed,  his  wife  said  to  him  one  night:  '  John, 
you  do  not  speak  as  affectionately  to  me  as  you 
used  to  when  we  M-ere  first  married.  I  fear  you 
have  ceased  to  love  me.' 

Cease  to  love  you !  *  growled  the  man. 
'  There  you  go  again.  Why,  I  love  you  more  than 
life  itself.  Now  shut  up  and  let  me  read  the 
paper.'  " 


By  Famous  INIen 


19 


ROBERT  J.  ALEY, 
president  of  the  Univer- 
sity of  Maine,  tells  of  a 
prominent  attornty,  who, 
years  ago,  claimed  his 
residence  in  an  Iowa 
town.  He,  as  the  only 
legal  light  for  miles 
around,  was  accustomed 
to  arrange  the  disputes 
of  his  neighbours. 

"  On  one  occasion," 
continues  President  Alty, 
"  he  was  awakened  from 
his  peaceful  slumbers  by 
a  violent  knocking  at  his 
front  door.  Lazily  pull- 
ing hunself  out  of  bed  and  putting  his  head  out  of 
the  open  window  he  soon  discovered  that  his  un- 
Melcome  night  visitor  was  none  other  than  old  man 
Jerry  McCloud,  for  whom  that  very  afternoon  he 
had  drawn  a  will. 

"  '  Well,  Jerry,  what's  the  trouble?  '  the  lawyer 
queried,  none  too  softly. 

"  '  Faith,    it's    th'    will,'    replied    McCloud.     '  I 
couldn't  get  a  wink  av  sleep  a-thinkin'  av  it.' 

"  '  The  will.''  '  reiterated  the  attorney. 

"  '  Yes,'  replied  McCloud,  '  ye've  fixed  it  so  I've 
not  left  mesilf  a  stool  to  sit  on !  '  " 


20  After  Dinner  Stories 

CHAMP  CLARK  champions  equal  suffrage  as 
being  A  A  1  -|-  in  theory,  but  in  jiractice  it  has 
always  reminded  him  of  a  devout  constituent  out 
in  ]\lissouri  who  once  confessed  that  he  and  his 
wife  had  agreed  to  tell  each  other  their  faults  — 
to  be  perfectly  frank  with  each  other  in  everything, 
as  the  ideal  marriage  state  demands. 

Asked  by  the  sympatlietic  minority  leader 
whether  the  plan  had  succeeded  or  failed,  the  other 
confided  dolefully, 

"Would  you  believe.  Brother  Clark,  that  she  — 
she  actually  hasn't  spoke  to  me  for  nearly  a  month." 


DOCTOR  COOK,  the  discredited  Arctic  explorer, 
tells  the  following  "  pet"  story: 

"  Sacrifices,"  said  he,  "  are  always  being  made. 
Men,  in  order  to  succeed,  sacrifice  pleasure,  their 
honour,  their  youth.  These  sacrifices  excite  no  re- 
mark. But  any  sacrifice  of  the  stomach  arouses 
wonder  and  awe. 

"  Women  have  sacrificed,  for  instance,  much  to 
enter  society.  I've  heard  of  many  of  their  sacri- 
fices, and  yet  there's  only  one  that  I  remember 
vividly. 

"  A  woman  newly  rich  was  invited  to  an  aristo- 
cratic dinner-party.  During  the  course  of  fowl 
and  salad,  she  noticed  with  dismay  a  fat,  furry 
caterpillar  on  her  topmost  leaf  of  lettuce.  Glanc- 
ing up,  she  met  her  aristocratic  hostess's  eye.  The 
hostess,  too,  had  seen  the  cater}Mllar.     Her  gaze 


By  Famous  jNIen  21 

imjalored  the  guest  to  save  the  dinner  from  catas- 
trophe. 

"  The  guest  gave  her  hostess  a  reassuring  smile. 
Then  she  doubled  a  lettuce  leaf  around  the  cater- 
pillar and  calmly  swallowed  it.  The  look  of  awe 
and  gratitude  that  her  hostess  gave  her  was  an  as- 
surance that  her  footing  in  society  was  at  last 
firmly  established. 

Do  you  think,'  she  said  to  her  daughter  after- 
ward, '  that  I'd  lose  a  chance  of  establishing  the 
family  socially  for  a  little  thing  like  a  caterpil- 
lar }■  '  " 


J.  PIERPOXT  MORGAN,  at  a  recent  diocesan 
convention  in  New  York,  amused  a  group  of  clergy- 
men with  this  story  of  a  minister: 

"  He  was  as  ignorant,  this  good  man,  of  finan- 
cial matters,"  said  Mr.  ^Morgan,  "  as  the  average 
financier  is  of  matters  ecclesiastical.  He  once  re- 
ceived a  clieck  —  the  first  in  his  life  —  and  took 
it  to  a  bank  for  payment. 

But   you   must   indorse   tiie   check,'   said   the 
paying  teller. 

Indorse  it.''  '  said  the  old  minister  in  a  puzzled 
tone. 

Yes,  of  course.     It  must  be  indorsed  on  the 
back.' 

"  '  I  see/  said  the  minister.  And,  turning  the 
clieck  over,  he  wrote  across  tlie  back  of  it,  *  I 
licartily  indorse  this  check.'  " 


22  iVfter  Dinner  Stories 

LUTHER  BURBANK,  the  plant  wizard  of  Cali- 
fornia, said  of  honey,  apropos  of  a  flower  that 
bees  love: 

"  This  flower  grows  abundantly  near  Santa  Bar- 
bara, and  there  was  once  a  young  Calif ornian  who 
often  visited  a  leading  Santa  Barbara  hotel  be- 
cause they  have  such  cxcelhnt  honey  there  — 
honey  the  bees  make  from  this  flower. 

"  Well,  the  young  man  got  married  in  due  course 
and  the  wedding-trip  itinerary  must  include  Santa 
Barbara,  so  that  the  bride  might  taste  this  superb 
honey.  But  the  first  morning  at  the  Santa  Bar- 
bara hotel  there  was  no  honey  on  the  breakfast 
table.  The  bridegroom  frowned.  He  called  the 
old  familiar  waiter  over  to  him. 

"  '  Where's  my  honey  ?  '  he  demanded. 

"  The  waiter  hesitated,  looked  awkwardly  at 
the  bride,  then  bent  toward  the  young  man's  ear, 
and  in  a  stage  wliisper  stanmiered: 

"  '  Er  —  Mamie  don't  work  here  no  more,  sir.'  " 


EX-MAYOR  DUNNE,  of  Chicago,  says  that  he 
recently  visited  a  barber-shop  where  the  barber, 
failing  to  recognise  him,  was  very  talkative. 

"  Have  you  ever  been  here  before.''  "  asked  the 
barber. 

"  Once,"  said  the  mayor. 

"  Strange  that  I  don't  recall  your  face." 

"  Not  at  all,"  the  mayor  assured  him.  "  It  al- 
tered greatly  in  healing." 


By  Famous  Men 


23 


CAPTAIN  ROALD 
AMUNDSEN,  the  Norwe- 
gian explorer,  relates  an  inei- 
dent  which,  he  observed, 
proves  how  women  are  ad- 
dicted to  the  very  habit  of 
pretence. 

"  At  a  recent  reception,  a 
handsome  young  woman  who 
was  stylishly  clad  entered  the 
room,  saying  to  the  footman 
in  a  loud  and  peremptory 
tone  of  voice,  '  Kindly  tell  my 
chauffeur  to  bring  the  limou- 
sine back  in  about  an  hour.' 

"  The  footman  went,  and 
in  a  few  moments,  just  as  the  cpyiiKiii.  wiute 

young    woman    was    about    to 

shake  hands  with  tlie  hostess,  he  returned  to  say, 
in  a  voice  perfectly  audible  throughout  the  room, 
'  Your  chauffeur  says  he  can't  come  back  in  an 
liour,  ma'am,  because  he's  got  another  taxi-jiarty 
for  then,  ma'am.'  " 


ROBERT  W.  CHAMRER.S,  the  famous  novelist, 
tells  of  a  New  York  friend  who  rt'cently  visited  a 
Chicago  cousin.  "  lleury,"  said  the  New  Yorker, 
"  before  I  leave  town  I  want  to  be  sure  and  visit 
the  Stock- Yards,  the  Art  Institute,  and  the  Field 


24  After  Dinner  Stories 

Museum.  I  suppose  it's  an  old  story  to  you,  so  if 
you'll  direct  nie  right  I'll  find  them  myself." 

The  Chicago  man  laughed.  "  I'm  ashamed  to 
admit  it,"  he  said,  "  but  the  fact  is  I've  lived  in 
Chicago  for  fifteen  years,  and  I've  never  been  out 
to  the  Stock-Yards,  nor  visited  the  P'ield  Museum 
or  Art  Institute,  although  I  pass  the  last  two  every 
day  of  my  life.  I  guess  I'll  take  a  day  off  and 
accompany  you." 

He  did  and  was  as  much  interested  as  his  cousin. 

A  week  later,  as  he  was  bidding  his  relative 
good-bye,  the  Westerner  said,  "  When  I  go  to  New 
York  this  fall  I  want  you  to  take  me  out  to  Ellis 
Island  to  see  the  immigrants  land.  It  must  be  a 
great  sight.  And  I  want  to  get  a  view  from  the 
Statue  of  Liberty  and  walk  through  the  Bowery." 

"  Sure,  Henry,"  answered  the  New  York  cousin, 
"  I'd  like  to  do  those  things  for  once  myself." 


"  PRIVATE  "  JOHN  ALLEN,  of  Tupelo,  Missis- 
sippi, tells  this  one  on  himself: 

"  Court  had  been  in  session  in  Tupelo,  and  there 
were  a  lot  of  visiting  lawyers.  They  were  con- 
genial souls,  and  naturally  a  little  game  of  poker 
started  down  at  the  hotel.  I  stayed  out  for  several 
nights,  but  finally  the  breakfast-table  arguments 
got  so  pointed  that  I  had  to  promise  to  be  in  tliat 
evening  by  eleven  o'clock. 

"  When  eleven  o'clock  came  I  cleaned  up,  and 


By  Famous  JNIen  25 

could  not  leave  a  winner  —  that  would  have  been 
snide  —  so  I  stayed  to  give  the  boys  a  chance  to 
get  their  money  back.  Also  there  was  plenty  of  the 
sort  of  drinkables  prohibited  by  law  in  JNIississippi. 

"  Finally  the  game  broke  up,  and  I  looked  at  the 
clock ;  it  was  two-thirty !  I  started  for  home,  mak- 
ing the  best  time  I  could,  slipped  off  my  shoes  at 
the  front  steps,  pulled  oiF  my  clothes  in  the  hall, 
slipped  into  the  bedroom,  and  began  to  slip  into  the 
bed  with  the  ease  of  experience. 

"  Mrs.  Allen  has  a  blamed  fine  dog  that  on  cold 
nights  insists  on  jumping  in  the  bed  with  us.  So 
when  I  began  to  slide  under  the  covers  she  stirred 
in  her  sleep  and  pushed  me  on  the  head. 

Get  down,  Fido,  get  down ! '  she  said. 

"And,  gentlemen,  I  just  did  have  i^resence  of 
mind  enough  to  lick  her  hand,  and  she  dozed  off 
again !  " 

GEORGE  ADE  had  finished  his  speech  at  a  recent 
dinner-party,  and  on  seating  himself  a  well-known 
lawyer  rose,  shoved  his  hands  deep  into  his  trousers' 
jjockets,  as  was  his  habit,  and  laughingly  inquired 
of  those  present, 

"  Doesn't  it  strike  the  company  as  a  little  unusual 

that  a  i)rofessional  humorist  sliould  be  funny?  " 

When  the  laugli  had  subsided,  Ade  drawled  out, 

"  Doesn't  it  strike  the  eonijjany  as  a  little  imusual 

tli-it   a   lawyer  should   Iiave   his   hands   in   his   own 

pockets?  " 


26  After  Dinner  Stories 

(ORXKLIL'S  VANDERBILT,  at  a  dinner  at 
Bar  Harbor  in  Iionour  of  his  sloop  Aurora's  vic- 
tory in  tlie  s(iuadron  run  from  Bortlaiul  to  Rock- 
land, said  a])tly: 

"  Yachts  like  these,  then,  don't  conic  under  the 
cynical  definition  I  once  heard  a  Camden  lobster- 
man  give. 

"  '  What,  exactly,  is  a  yacht?  *  a  lady  said  to  this 
old  lobsterman. 

"  He  plugged  a  lobster's  claws  and  answered 
mockingly : 

"'What's  a  yacht?  Oh,  ye  just  take  an  old 
tub  or  craft,  an'  fill  her  up  with  whiskey  an'  chicken 
an'  cigars,  an'  git  yer  friends  all  on  board,  an'  have 
a  high  old  time  —  an'  thet's  a  yacht.'  " 


J.  OGDEN  ARMOUR  said  recently  that  the  pub- 
lic seemed  to  think  the  beef-packers  make  money 
as  easily  as  did  the  country  boy  who  witnessed  the 
killing  of  a  calf  by  an  automobile. 

"  No  use  of  talking,"  he  drawled  to  a  passer-by, 
"  thar  certainly  is  money  in  cattle." 

"  In  the  stock-raising  business,  do  you  mean  ?  " 
asked  the  stranger. 

"  No,  not  exactly.  An  automobile  ran  over  that 
calf  a  few  minutes  ago,  an'  the  driver  got  out  an' 
handed  me  five  dollars." 

"Five  dollars?  That's  not  nuuh  for  a  good- 
sized  calf." 

"  Yes,  but,  mister,  the  calf  wasn't  mine." 


By  Famous  ^Nlen 


27 


SENATOR  ASH- 
URST,  of  Arizona, 
■was  talking  of  a  fel- 
low Senator  who 
had  been  sitting  on 
the  political  fence 
for  some  time  witli 
great  skill.  "  He 
reminds  me,"  said 
Senator  Ashurst, 
"  of  an  incident  that 
followed  the  killing 
of  Jesse  James,  the 
outlaw. 

"  A  stranger  en- 
tered the  morgue 
and,  raising  his  hat 

in  an  exceedingly  j)o]ite  manner  to  the  morgue 
keeper,  said,  '  Sir,  would  you  do  me  a  very  great 
favour.^  Will  you  permit  me  to  see  all  that  is 
mortal  of  the  honourable  Jesse  James.''  ' 

WJiy,  sure,'  rej)lied  the  morgue  keeper,  as  he 
walked  to  the  marble  slab  and  pulled  down  the 
sheet  which  covered  the  dead  robber.  The  stranger 
gazed  earnestly  at  the  remains  and  then,  replacing 
Ills  hat,  lie  started  to  leave. 

Just  I  iiKuninl,'  s.iid  the  morgue  keeper,  'will 
you  tell  me  wliy  you  ealled  the  dead  man  "  tlie  lion- 
ourabh'  Jesse  James  "?  ' 

lieeaiise,  sir,'  replied  the  stranger,  '  I  wasn't 
<|uitc  certain  he  was   dead.'  " 


28  After  Dinner  Stories 

SEWELL  FORD  tells  this  one  about  a  neighbour 
of  his  at  Barncgat  on  the  New  Jersey  coast: 

"It  was  a  very  dark  night  and  my  friend  was 
riding  home  on  his  bicycle,  which  was  miiuis  a 
lamp.  He  came  to  a  cross-roads,  and  was  in  doubt 
which  way  to  turn.  After  some  fumbling  in  his 
pocket  he  found  a  lone  match,  and  with  it  in  his 
teeth  he  proceeded  to  scale  tlie  sign  })ost  to  read 
the  names  of  the  two  forking  lanes.  The  pole  was 
an  unusually  high  one,  but  he  managed  to  reach  the 
top,  and  striking  his  match  read  the  words,  *  Wet 
Pahit.'  " 

JOB  HEDGES,  the  well-known  New  York  law- 
yer, is  perhaps  better  known  for  his  after-dinner 
wit.     The  following  is  one  of  his  anecdotes: 

Pat  and  Mike  were  sleeping  at  a  farm  house. 
Mike  got  hungry  in  the  niglit  and  slipped  out  of 
the  room  without  awakening  Pat. 

"  Whar  you  been,  Mike.^  "  Pat  demanded  as 
Mike  re-entered  the  room. 

"  Sure  an'  Oi  was  afther  bein'  down  to  the 
panthry  to  git  a  bite  to  ate.  Patsy,  boy,"  Mike 
whispered  cautiously  as  he  climbed  into  bed  again. 

"  Sure,  Moike,  an'  it's  meself  will  be  afther  doin' 
the  same,"  Pat  declared,  as  he  rolled  quietly  out 
of  bed. 

"  Good  luck  to  ycz.  Patsy,  boy,"  Mike  whispered, 
"  but  yez  wants  to  keep  a  sharp  lookout  for  the 
old  mon  when  yez  passes  trough  his  room.     It's 


By  Famous  Men  29 

meself  thet  stumbled  over  a  chair  on  me  way  back, 
an'  when  he  veiled  out,  rale  sharp  like,  '  Who's 
thar?'  I  jest  stood  still  in  me  tracks  and  sez 
'  Me-ow,  me-ow/  an'  he  sez,  sez  he,  '  Ef  it  ain't 
that  durn  old  cat  agin ! '  an'  then  he  turned  over 
on  his  side  an'  went  to  slape  like  a  bebby,  an'  01 
slipped  out  quiet  loike." 

"  Sure,  an'  thet  was  aisy  done,  Mike,"  Pat  whis- 
pered back.  "  Sure  an'  it's  meself  will  be  afther 
doin'  the  same." 

And  five  minutes  later  when  Pat  stumbled  over 
a  pair  of  shoes  in  the  farmer's  room,  and  a  sten- 
torian voice  roared  out,  "  Who's  there  ?  "  Pat  felt 
perfectly  safe  from  detection,  as  he  answered  in  a 
rich  Irish  brogue: 

"  Loiy  still,  soir,  loiy  still.     Oi'm  the  cat." 


SENATOR  TILLMAN,  referring  to  one  of  his 
antagonists  in  Congress,  said  the  other  day,  "  He 
reminds  me  of  the  London  cabby  who  stood  glaring 
at  another  cabby  whose  vehicle  had  gotten  in  his 
way. 

"'Aw,  wot's  the  matter  with  yer?'  demanded 
the  aggressive  one. 

"  '  Nothink's   the  matter  with  me,  yer   bloomin' 
id  jut.' 

Yer   gave   me   a   nawsty   look,*   persisted   the 
other. 

Mc?      Wull,  yer  certainly  'are  a  nawsty  look, 
but  I   didn't  give   it  to  yer,  so  'elp  me.'  " 


30  After  Dinner  Stories 

SPEAKER  CANNON  tells  this  tcale  on  Ex-Prosi- 
dciit  Taft,  though  he  is  always  careful  to  assure  his 
liearers  that  he  will  not  \ oueli  for  the  accuracy  of  it. 

"It  was  when  the  President  was  merely  Mr. 
Secretary  and  was  visiting  Japan  on  his  famous 
trip  througli  tiie  Ear  East.  Mr.  Taft  was  caught 
fast  asleep  in  a  hammock  by  a  moving-picture  man, 
and  this  interesting  film  was  being  shown  at  a 
county  fair  in  my  home  State,  Illinois.  The  mo- 
tion picture  was  being  reeled  oti"  to  the  great  amuse- 
ment of  the  rural  spectators,  when  a  huge  flaw-line 
suddenly  darted  across  the  film,  and  the  screen 
went  dark. 

"  '  Land  o'  mercy,  Hiram,'  gasped  an  old  lady 
in  the  rear  of  the  hall.     '  What  was  that?  ' 

"  '  Hush  up,  Mirandy,'  croaked  the  husband. 
'  Don't  yew  ask  so  many  questions.  I  reckon  that's 
where  the  hammock  busted.'  " 


GEORGE  ADE,  with  a  fellow  American,  was 
travelling  in  the  Orient,  and  his  companion  one  day 
fell  into  a  heated  argument  with  an  old  Arab. 
Ade's  friend  complained  to  him  afterward  that  al- 
though he  had  spent  years  in  studying  Arabic  in 
preparation  for  this  trip  he  could  not  understand 
a  word  that  the  native  said. 

"  Never  mind,"  replied  Ade  consolingly.  "  You 
see  the  old  duffer  hasn't  a  tooth  in  his  head,  and  he 
was  only  talking  gum-Arabic." 


Bv  Famous  ]Men 


31 


JOHN  HOLLIS 
BAXKHEAD,  senior 
United  States  Senator 
from  Alabama,  is  a  law- 
giver to  the  old  school 
who  proudly  proclaims 
that  lie  sprung  from  the 
"  peepul  "  and  by  them 
unaided  and  alone  has 
been  kej)t  in  the  Con- 
gress for  the  ])ast  quar- 
ter of  a  century  or  so. 
But  even  Mr.  Bankhead 
at  times  has  a  quiet 
laugh  at  the  homely  un- 
sophistications  of  some 
of  his  constituents. 

"  There's    Julius    Green,    of    Pickens    County," 
said  Mr.  Banklicad.      "  I  met  him  again  on  my  last 
tour  of  the  provinces.     '  Howdy,  Julius  ?  '  I  said. 
Po'ly,'  said  Julius. 

"'What's  the  matter?'  I  asked  solicitously. 

"  '  I  been  a-havin'  hard  luck.  Colonel,'  replied 
Julius,  despondently.  '  You  know,'  he  went  on, 
and  in  his  eyes  was  the  shadow  of  dejection,  '  I 
had  a  piece  of  bacon  I  kept  to  boil  peas  with.  The 
otlier  d.iy  I  lent  it  to  Devercaux  Henderson,  and 
his  MJfe  boiled  black  jjcas  with  it  and  ruined  it.'  " 


"  on,   that's   a  mrre  (iui])l)le,"   said   Walter   Camji, 
Yale's  athletic  adviser,  during  a  discussion  of  foot- 


32  After  Dinner  Stories 

ball  rules.  "  It  reminds  mc  of  two  boys  of  a  friend 
of  mine  wbom  I  visited  last  summer. 

"  '  Here/  said  the  mother  to  the  older  of  them 
one  day,  '  here  is  a  banana.  Divide  it  with  your 
little  brother,  and  sec  that  he  gets  the  lion's  share.' 

"  The  younger  child  a  few  minutes  later  set  up  a 
great  bawling.  '  INIamma,'  he  shrieked,  '  John 
hasn't  given  me  any  banana.' 

"  '  What's  this  ?  '  said  the  mother,  hurrying  in. 

" '  It's  all  right,'  explained  the  older  boy. 
*  Lions  don't  eat  bananas.'  " 

Si 

ONE  of  Ex-President  Taft's  favourite  stories,  re- 
cently told  over  the  coff'ee  and  cigars  at  an  in- 
formal dinner  in  the  White  House,  runs  thus: 

"  A  clergyman's  little  boy  was  sjiending  the  aft- 
ernoon with  the  bishop's  children. 

"  '  At  the  rectory,'  said  the  humble  j^rcacher's 
son, '  we've  got  a  hen  that  lays  an  egg  every  day.' 

"  *  Pooh,'  said  the  bishop's  boy,  '  my  father  lays 
a  foundation  stone  once  a  week.'  " 

JOHN  A.  DIX,  former  Governor  of  New  York, 
was  once  a  hunter  of  big  game.  Some  years  ago, 
deer  season  found  him  and  his  father-in-law.  Lemon 
Thompson,  in  the  Tupjier  Lake  Region.  Their 
guide  had  set  off  on  a  still  hunt,  so  they  backed 
themselves  against  a  stone  wall  and  awaited  de- 
velopments. When  curiosity  ])rompted  Dix  to  turn 
and  peer  over  the  barrier,  a  spot  of  light  brown 


By  Famous  ^len  33 

flashed  in  the  brush  on  the  farther  side.  Instantly, 
scarce  bringing  gun  to  shoulder,  he  fired.  The 
crash  of  a  heavy  fall  indicated  that  the  shot  had 
taken  effect,  and  both  men  sprang  hurriedly  to 
their  feet. 

"  Well/*  exclaimed  Thompson,  "  I  reckon  we  got 
him  that  time." 

Even  at  this  moment  of  excitement  Dix  paused 
in  his  ascent  of  the  stone  wall  to  return  emphatic- 
ally: "We?  There  is  no  Ave  about  it,  I  got  him 
all  by  myself," 

Pride  goeth  before  a  fall.  Much  to  the  disgust 
and  mortification  of  the  younger  man  and  to  the 
unholy  delight  of  the  elder,  investigation  proved 
the  victim  to  be  a  full-blooded  heifer  of  no  small 
dimensions. 

"  Phew !  "  said  Dix.  "  Guess  we  made  a  mis- 
take." 

"  No,"  sadly  replied  Thompson.  "  Xo,  John, 
we  made  no  mistake.  You  did  that  all  by  your- 
self." 

J* 

DR.  ARTHUR  WILLIAM  WHITE,  of  Yale,  de- 
lights in  telling  of  his  experience  with  an  inventor 
of  the  unletter-genius  type  who  came  to  the  pro- 
fessor with  a  model  of  a  perijetual-motion  machine. 

"H'm;  looks  ])lausiblc,"  observed  Dr.  White, 
"  but  it  won't  work.  What  are  you  going  to  do 
about  gravity?  " 

"Gravity!"  said  the  visitor  scornfully.  "  T'ell 
wit'  gravity ;  we'll  use  plenty  o'  grease." 


34  After  Dinner  Stories 

SENATOR  CUMMINS,  of  Iowa,  was  discussing 
the  cliild-labour  probl(Mii  in  the  lobby  of  a  Wash- 
ington Iiott'l  the  other  night.  Said  he:  "  ^^'h(•n 
we  consider  the  indifference  with  which  so  many 
of  our  great  men  look  uj)on  the  child-labour  evil, 
we  can't  help  wondering  if  these  men  are  so  very 
great,  after  all." 

The  senator  paused  and  smiled. 

"  An  orator,"  he  said,  "  was  addressing  an  as- 
semblage of  the  people.  He  recounted  the  jDcople's 
wrongs.      Then  he  passionately  cried: 

"  '  Where  are  America's  great  men  ?  Why  don't 
they  take  up  the  cudgel  in  our  defence?  In  the 
face  of  our  manifold  wrongs,  why  do  they  remain 
cold,  immovable,  silent?  ' 

Because  they're   all  cast  in   bronze,'   shouted 
a  cvnic  in  the  rear." 


REAR-ADMIRAL  WILLIAM  H.  EMORY,  while 
attached  to  the  navy  yard.  New  York,  had  under 
his  command  a  young  Barbadoes  negro  whom  he 
enlisted  as  a  mess  attendant  while  at  the  Islands. 

The  admiral  was  busily  engaged  with  a  large 
amount  of  official  mail  when  the  mess  attendant 
came  in  hurriedly  announcing,  "  A  message  from 
de  general,  sail." 

"General  who?"  inquired  the  admiral. 

"  General  Delibery,  sab,"  re})lied  the  innocent- 
looking  negro,  handing  the  admiral  a  general-de- 
livery letter. 


Bv  Famous  ^len 


35 


GENERAL  J.  C. 
BLACK,  ex-Prcsi- 
dent  of  the  United 
States  Civil  Serv- 
ice Commission, 
tells  this  tender 
little  story:  "  One 
of  my  dearest 
friends  is  a  pastor 
of  a  rural  church. 
One  evening  wliile 
I  was  visiting  him, 
a  young  couple 
came  to  be  mar- 
ried. The  young 
man  was  bashful. 

"  '  We — we  want 
you  to  marry  us,'  said  the  youth. 

"  '  Come  in,'  said  my  friend,  opening  the  door 
wide,  hoping  to  overcome  their  embarrassment. 

"  '  Will  you  be  married  with  a  ring.^  '  he  asked. 

"  The  young  man  turned  a  helpless  gaze  on  his 
com]ianion,  who  returned  his  look  with  one  of  equal 
helplessness.      Then  he  turned  to  the  jjastor. 

"  '  Well,'  he  said,  at  length,  '  if  you've  got  one 
to  spare  and  it  can  come  out  of  the  two  dollars,  I 
guess  she'd  like  it.'  " 


Cpynglit.  G.  B.  Buck 


EX-GOVERNOR  PKNWPACKER,  of  Pennsyl- 
vania, told  this  story  reciiilly,  apropos  of  the  graft 


30  After  Dinner  Stories 

scandals  tliroiigli  wliicli  the  State  liad  just  passed: 

"  A  minister  before  a  hot  election  incidentally 
discussed  the  different  candidates  and  concluded 
rather  passionately  with, 

"  '  God  will  govern  Pennsylvania ! ' 

"  The  brief  silence  that  followed  was  brought  to 
an  abrupt  end  by  an  indignant  individual  in  the 
last  row  who  defiantly  exclaimed  in  a  ringing  voice 
audible  to  the  entire  gathering, 

"  '  I'll  wager  twenty  dollars  he  don't  carry  Pitts- 
burg.' " 

GENERAL  FUNSTON  tells  a  story  of  a  soldier 
in  the  Philippines,  who  was  nursed  through  the 
rice  fever.  On  his  recovery  he  thanked  the  nurse 
like  this : 

"  Thank  you  very  much,  ma'am,  fer  yer  kind- 
ness. I  sha'n't  never  forgit  it.  If  ever  there  was 
a  fallen  angel,  you're  one." 

SENATOR  McLEAN,  of  Connecticut,  is  a  great 
fisherman  and  hunter.  Last  spring  he  invited  two 
companions  to  accompany  him  to  a  shooting-camp 
in  the  North  woods.  When  they  entered  the  little 
cabin  their  attention  was  attracted  to  the  unusual 
position  of  a  new  stove,  which  was  set  on  posts 
about  four  feet  high. 

One  of  the  senator's  companions  began  to  com- 
ment upon  the  knowledge  woodsmen  gain  by  ob- 


By  Famous  ]\Ien  37 

servation.  "  Now,"  said  he,  "  this  man  has  dis- 
covered that  the  heat  radiating  from  the  stove 
strikes  the  roof  and  the  circulation  is  so  quickened 
that  the  camp  is  warmed  in  much  less  time  than 
would  be  required  if  the  stove  were  in  its  regular 
position." 

The  other  was  of  the  opinion  that  it  was  ele- 
vated to  be  above  the  window  in  order  that  the 
cool  and  pure  air  could  be  had  at  night.  Senator 
McLean,  being  more  practical,  contended  that  it 
was  raised  in  order  that  a  good  supply  of  green 
wood  could  be  placed  beneath  it  to  dry. 

After  considerable  argument  each  man  placed  a 
five-dollar  bill  upon  the  table  and  agreed  to  let  the 
guide  settle  the  di.s2iute. 

"  Wall,"  said  he,  "  when  I  brought  that  'ere 
stove  up  th'  river  I  lost  most  of  th'  stove-pipe  over- 
board and  had  to  set  it  up  there  so  as  ter  hav'  th' 
pipe  reach  through  th'  roof/' 

He  got  the  money. 


JACK  LONDON  has  a  great  affection  for  chil- 
dren. In  San  Francisco  there  are  twin  sisters  of 
whom  Mr.  London  is  very  fond.  On  his  way  to 
his  boat  one  morning  the  author  met  one  of  the 
twins.     He  stojiped  and  shook  her  hand. 

"  Good  morning,  my  dear,"  he  said.  "  And 
which  of  the  twins  are  you?  " 

Tlie  little  girl  answered  gravely,  "  I'm  the  one 
what's  out  walkin'." 


38  After  Dinner  Stories 

COL.  WILLIAM  F.  CODY  ("  Buffalo  Bill  ")  re- 
galed a  group  of  friends  in  New  York  with  this 
story,  taken  out  of  his  early  experienees  in  the 
show  business : 

"  My  manager  eame  dashing  into  the  circus  office 
one  day  with  tcar-dimnicd  eyes  and  a  scowling 
countenance.  '  What's  the  matter,  John  ?  '  I  asked. 
'  Everything's  the  matter,'  he  growled.  '  The 
human  crocodile  says  he'll  quit  and  pawn  his  croco- 
dile skin  if  he  doesn't  get  a  raise  in  salary,  the 
bearded  lady  wants  an  extra  package  of  tobacco 
every  day  and  cussed  me  out  because  I  wouldn't 
provide  him  with  a  poker  outfit,  the  "  Missing 
Link "  wants  to  go  to  the  races  this  afternoon 
while  the  matinee  performance  is  on,  the  fasting 
girl  says  she'd  rather  starve  than  eat  the  steak 
the  local  butcher  sent  in  this  morning,  and  the 
tattooed  man  fell  into  a  mill-pond  half  an  hour  ago 
and  smeared  up  all  his  beautiful  signs  and  will  have 
to  be  sent  back  to  New  York  to  be  redecorated.'  " 


JOHN  GOLDEN,  comic  opera  composer  and  suc- 
cessful playwright,  tells  of  a  mother,  who,  trying 
to  break  her  little  boy  of  swearing,  threatened  that 
the  next  time  he  used  a  bad  word  she  would  banish 
him  from  home.  It  was  not  long,  however,  before 
little  Alfred  swore  again.  The  habit  was  too 
strong. 

"  '  I    am   very   sorry,   Alfred,'   sgid   the   mother. 


By  Famous  ISIen  39 

with  genuine  concern,  '  but  I  have  never  broken  my 
word  to  you,  so  now  you  must  leave  home.' 

"  The  nurse  was  instructed  to  pack  Alfred's  little 
toy  suitcase,  and  he,  without  a  whimper,  kissed  his 
mother  good-bye  and  deisarted. 

"  His  mother  watched  him  sorrowfully  as  he 
walked  down  the  street,  but  he  never  once  turned 
around.  A  few  steps  farther  and  he  deposited  his 
burden  on  the  ground,  perched  solemnly  on  the 
curb,  and,  chin  in  hands,  fell  into  deep  meditation. 
This  was  too  much  for  the  mother;  she  started 
down  the  street  and  tiptoed  up  behind  Master 
Alfred.  An  old  gentleman  was  crossing  the  street 
in  the  direction  of  her  boy,  so  she  drew  back,  and 
heard  him  pomijously  ask:  'Child,  where  do  the 
Scotts  live  around  here  f  ' 

"  Alfred  raised  his  large,  solemn,  brown  eyes,  re- 
garded the  old  gentleman  coldly,  and  replied: 

You    go    to .      I     have    troubles    of    my 

own.'  " 

PRIME  MINISTER  ASQUITH,  of  England,  is 
responsible  for  the  following: 

"  An  English  professor  wrote  on  the  blackboard 
in  his  laboratory  '  Professor  Blank  informs  his 
students  that  he  has  this  day  been  ap])ointed  hon- 
orary physician  to  his  Majesty,  King  George.' 

"  During  tlie  morning  he  liad  some  occasion  to 
leave  the  room  and  found  on  his  return  that  some 
student  wag  had  added  the  words, 

"  '  God  save  the  King.'  " 


40 


After  Dinner  Stories 


SENATOR  WILLIAM 
O.  BRADLEY,  of  Ken- 
tucky, tells  this  good 
yarn: 

"  Last  fall  there  died 
in  Louisville  a  lawyer 
who,  for  years,  had 
shocked  a  large  number 
of  friends  by  his  rather 
liberal  views  touching 
religion.  A  friend  of 
the  deceased  who  cut 
short  a  hunting  trip  to 

fT^       '  hurry   back   to   the   city 

'  [  St  for   the   purpose   of   at- 

'^L;,^-  tending    the    last    rites 

^g^fc*" " "  for    his    colleague,    en- 

tered  the    late   lawyer's   home   some    few   minutes 
after  the  beginning  of  the  service. 

"  *  What  part  of  the  service  is  this  ?  '  he  inquired 
in  a  whisper  of  another  legal  friend  who  was  stand- 
ing in  the  crowded  hallway. 

"  '  I've  just  come  myself,'  the  other  replied,  '  but 
I  believe  they've  opened  for  the  defencCo'  " 


GOVERNOR  DENEEN,  of  Illinois,  is  not  a  vege- 
tarian. Neither  is  he  at  all  in  sympathy  with  the 
movement,  as  this  story  of  his  indicates: 

"  One  day,"  said  the  governor,  "  I  overheard  a 
conversation  in  a  Springfield  restaurant  that  pleased 
me  mightily.     Two  persons,  a  man  and  a  woman 


By  Famous  ISIen  41 

• —  both  evidently  strangers^  however  —  sat  near 
me.  She  was  a  vegetarian,  and,  glancing  at  his 
plate,  took  occasion  to  warn  him  against  '  making  a 
graveyard  of  his  stomach.' 

"  '  But,'  i^rotcsted  the  man,  smiling  politely,  '  I 
seldom  eat  meat.' 

"  '  You  have  ordered  eggs,'  she  said  tartly,  '  and 
an  egg  is  practically  the  same  as  meat.  It  even- 
tually becomes  a  chicken.' 

"  '  The  kind  of  eggs  I  eat  never  become  chickens,' 
remarked  the  stranger  quietly. 

"  *  Impossible,'  she  exclaimed.  '  What  kind  of 
eggs  do  you  eat  ? ' 

"  '  Boiled  eggs,'  replied  the  stranger." 


"  TOO  many  of  us,"  says  August  Belmont,  "  are 
like  the  trustee  who  expected  his  great-uncle  to 
leave  him  his  fortune  of  five  thousand  dollars.  The 
great-uncle  died,  and  in  a  few  days  the  trustee  ap- 
peared in  his  old  haunts,  dressed  in  deep  mourning, 
with  a  huge  and  perfect  diamond  in  his  black  silk 
tie. 

Ah,'  said  a  friend,  '  your  uncle  is  dead.  Sin- 
cere sympathy.  Left  you  that  legacy,  I  suppose? 
But  where  did  you  get  that  beautiful  stone?  * 

"  The  trustee  smiled  grimly.  '  My  great-uncle,' 
he  explained,  '  did  not  include  me  among  the  bene- 
ficiaries of  his  will.  He  left,  in  fact,  all  his  money 
for  a  stone  whicli  should  commemorate  his  memory. 
This  is  the  stone.'  " 


42 


After  Dinner  Stories 


J.  A.  GILMORE,  president  of  the  new  Federal 
Baseball  League  which  is  so  gallantly  bucking  its 
way  into  the  lucrative  field  of  organised  baseball, 
tells  this  one: 

"  The  morning  after  the  wreck  of  one  of  the 
fastest  trains  in  the  country,  an  old  farmer  and 
myself  were  standing  on  the  bank  of  the  river  into 
which  the  train  had  plunged. 

"  Naturally  our  conversation  reverted  to  the 
wreck  and  the  fortunate  escape  of  all  the  passen- 
gers. 

"  '  It  was  the  costliest  train  in  the  world/  I  said 
reflectively. 


By  Famous  INIen  43 

Yes/  grunted  the  farmer,  intentlj'^  gazing  into 
the  stream. 

And  also  the  best-equipped,'  I  continued,  ab- 
sorbed in  the  estimation  of  the  loss  involved. 

There's  no  doubt  about  it,'  assented  the  old 
fellow,  '  I've  fished  more  than  a  dozen  bottles  out. 
of  the  water  already.'  " 


JOHN  BARRETT,  Director  of  the  Bureau  of 
South  American  Republics,  tells  his  story  apropos 
of  the  dilemmas  of  man}'  of  the  public  office-seekers 
of  to-day. 

"  It  happened  in  the  time  "when  herds  of  buffalo 
grazed  along  the  foothills  of  the  Western  moim- 
tains.  Tw'o  hardy  prospectors  fell  in  with  a  bull 
lison  that  appeared  to  have  been  separated  from 
his  kind  and  run  anuick.  One  of  the  prospectors 
took  to  the  tall  timbers  and  the  other  dived  into  a 
cave.  The  buffalo  bellowed  at  the  entrance  to 
the  cavern  and  then  turned  his  attention  toward 
the  tree.  The  man  in  the  cave  came  cautiously  out 
and  the  buffalo  took  after  him  again.  The  man 
made  another  dive  for  the  hole.  After  this  same 
scene  had  been  enacted  several  times  the  man  up 
the  tree  yelled  to  his  comrade,  who,  ))alc  and  trem- 
bling, stood  at  the  mouth  of  tlie  cavern:  '  Stay  in 
tlie  cave,  you  idiot !  ' 

Vou  don't  know  nolhiu'  al)out  tliis  hole,' 
ycUi'd  back  tlic  otiicr,  tremulously.  '  There's  a 
bear  in  it.'  " 


4J<  After  Dinner  Stories 

SIMEON  FORD,  the  well-known  after-dinner 
speaker,  not  long  ago  told  this  story  of  a  Pennsyl- 
vania Sunday-school:  "A  young  woman  of  phil- 
anthropic motives  was  teaching  a  dozen  or  more 
little  ones  in  the  mining  district. 

"  *  Now,  where  did  I  tell  you  the  Saviour  was 
born?  '  she  asked  of  the  class  one  morning. 

"  '  Allentown !  '  shrieked  a  grimy  twelve-year-old. 

"  '  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  Thomas  ?  I  told  you 
he  was  born  at  Bethlehem.' 

"  '  Well,'  was  the  reply,  '  I  knowed  'twuz  some 
place  on  de  Lehigh  Valley.'  " 

SENATOR  JAMES  GORDON,  whose  brief  serv- 
ice as  one  of  Mississijipi's  representatives  in  the 
upper  house  of  Congress  was  memorable,  was  dis- 
cussing the  moral  responsibility  of  the  negro  re- 
cently. 

"  They  simply  don't  understand,  that's  all,"  he 
said.  "  When  I  was  a  small  boy  my  mother  had 
a  woman  named  Martha  who  went  in  and  out  of 
the  matrimonial  state  without  the  slightest  regard 
for  the  statute-law  on  the  subject.  When  she  tired 
of  one  husband  she  would  leave  him,  and  when  a 
soul  mate  came  along  she  would  marry  him  out  of 
hand.  In  this  way  she  acquired  six  sjoouses  that 
we  knew  of. 

"  One  day  after  Martha  had  been  away  for  a 
week  I  overheard  this  conversation  in  the  next 
room  between  my  mother  and  the  negress: 


By  Famous  ]Men  45 

"  '  Well,  Martha,  you've  come  back.' 

"  *  Yas'm,  ah'm  back.     I  lef '  Walter  sho'  enuf.' 

"  *  Where  have  you  been  ?  ' 

"  '  Ah've  been  down  to  Jim  Fisher's  fo'  de  pas' 
week.' 

"'Jim  Fisher's?     Why,  Martha,  I  thought  Jim 
Fisher  was  married.     Is  he  a  relative  of  yours?  ' 

No'm,  he  ain't  zackly  no  relation,  missy.  You 
see,  Jim  was  my  firs'  husband,  but  he  ain't  no  rela- 
tion.' " 


JAMES  WILSON,  Secretary  of  Agriculture,  tells 
this  story: 

"  About  noonday  a  farmer  met  a  boy  who  was 
struggling  with  a  load  of  overturned  hay.  '  Come 
home  with  me,  feed  your  horses,  and  eat  your  din- 
ner, and  we  will  come  back  and  put  it  on  the 
wagon,'  said  the  horny-handed  one. 

"  '  I'm  afraid  pappy  might  not  like  it,'  rejoined 
the  bucolic  youth.  The  farmer  urged,  and  finally, 
although  still  protesting  that  he  was  '  afeared 
paj)j)y  might  not  like  it,'  the  boy  unhitched  and  ac- 
cepted the  invitation.  An  hour  later  they  returned 
to  the  scene. 

Isn't  this  better  than  staying  here  hungry 
and  tired  ?  '  exclaimed  the  farmer,  as  he  tossed  a 
fork  full  of  hay  on  the  wagon.  '  Yes,  but  I'm 
afeared  pappy  might  not  like  it,'  was  the  rejoinder. 

Where  is  your  pa])py,  anyhow?  ' 

Pappy,  he's  under  the  hay.'  " 


46 


After  Dinner  Stories 


WILLIAM  H.  CRANE, 

the  actor,  says  lie  first 
learned  what  true  love  is 
by  accidentally  overhear- 
ing a  brief  conversation 
between  a  young  man  and 
a  very  pretty  girl.  "  And 
you're  sure  you  love 
me?  "  said  she.  "  Love 
you  ?  "  echoed  the  young 
fellow.  "  Why,  darling, 
while  I  was  bidding  you 
good-bye  on  the  porch 
last  night  your  dog  bit  a 
piece  out  of  the  calf  of 
my  leg,  and  I  never  no- 
ticed it  till  I  got  home." 


MISS  :MAUDE  ADAMS  has  a  favourite  story 
about  a  certain  "  Miss  Johnsing  "  and  an  uncertain 
"  Culpeper  Pete,"  once  known  to  her«  The  man, 
says  Miss  Adams,  was  an  unusually  bashful  col- 
oured person,  and  she  goes  on: 

"  Pete  became  enamoured  of  the  dusky  maiden, 
and  not  having  the  courage  to  '  pop  '  face  to  face, 
called  up  the  house  where  she  worked  and  asked 
for  her  over  the  telephone.  There  was  a  long 
nervous  pause  for  him,  for  the  wire  was  '  busy.* 
Never  did  darky  perspire  more  freely  or  roll  his 
eyes  more  ludicrously  than  when  *  central '  finally 


By  Famous  Men  47 

yelled,  '  Here's  yer  party.'  In  trembling  cones 
Pete  asked, 

"  '  Is  dat  Miss  Johnsing?  ' 

Ya-as.' 
"  '  Well,  Miss  Jolinsing,  I's  got  a  most  important 
question  to  ask  you.' 
Ya-as.' 
"  '  Will  you  marry  me.^  ' 
"  *  Ya-as.      Who  is  it,  please? 

WALLACE  EDDIXGER,  the  crisp,  clean,  young 
leading  man  in  "  Seven  Keys  to  Baldpate,"  tells 
this  story  of  a  young  man  who  had  returned  home 
from  college  to  spend  the  Christmas  vacation. 

"  One  of  tlie  things  most  noticed  by  the  young 
collegian  was  Eleanor,  the  daughter  of  Hiram 
Sohmer,  a  near  neighbour,  who  during  his  absence 
had  developed  from  a  tomboyish  schoolgirl  into  a 
very  beautiful  and  charming;  young  woman.  It 
seems  his  father  had  also  noticed  the  change,  and 
remarked  to  his  son,  '  Andrew,  have  you  noticed 
how  old  Hiram  Sohmer's  daughter,  Eleanor,  has 
shot  up?  'Pears  to  me  she's  gettin'  to  be  a  mighty 
han'som'  young  critter.' 

"  '  She  certainly  is,  father,'  assented  Andrew, 
enthusiastically.  '  Eleanor  is  as  beautiful  as 
Hebe !  ' 

"  '  Wlitre  are  your  eyes,  son?  '  queried  the  father, 
disdainfully.  '  She's  a  durn  sight  purtier  tlian  he 
])c\  Old  Hiram  is  as  homely  as  Cy  Cobbs'  bull 
pup  !  '  " 


48  After  Dinner  Stories 

SENATOR  JEFF  DAVIS,  of  Arkansas,  tells  this 
story  on  himself: 

"  I  had  an  appointment  to  speak  at  a  town  in 
eastern  Arkansas  on  a  Saturday,  and  I  arrived  on 
a  late  train  the  night  before,  carrying  nothing  but 
a  small  hand-grip.  I  went  to  a  hotel  near  the 
depot.  There  was  no  one  on  duty  at  this  hour 
except  the  night  porter,  and  he  was  acting  as  por- 
ter, clerk,  and  general  overseer.  I  registered,  and 
he  showed  me  to  a  room ;  but  in  a  few  minutes  he 
came  back  and  said, 

"  '  Boss,  my  'struction  is,  when  a  gemman  haven't 
any  baggage,  to  collect  in  advance.' 

"  '  Why,  I've  got  baggage,'  I  replied,  pointing  to 
the  little  grip. 

"  '  I  know,  sir,  boss,'  he  said,  '  but  you've  stayed 
too  long  on  that  already.'  " 

NEWELL  DWIGHT  HILLIS,  the  now  famous 
New  York  preacher  and  author,  some  years  ago 
took  charge  of  the  First  Presbyterian  Church  of 
Evanston,  Illinois.  Shortly  after  going  there  he  re- 
quired the  service  of  a  physician,  and  on  the  advice 
of  one  of  his  parishioners  called  in  a  doctor  noted 
for  his  ability  properly  to  emphasise  a  good  story, 
but  who  attended  church  very  rarely.  He  proved 
very  satisfactory  to  the  young  preacher,  but  for 
some  reason  could  not  be  induced  to  render  a  bill. 
Finally  Dr.  Hillis  becoming  alarmed  at  the  inroads 
the  bill  might  make  in  modest  stij^end,  went  to  the 


By  Famous  Alen  49 

physician  and  said,  "See  here,  Doctor,  I  must 
know  how  much  I  owe  you." 

After  some  urging,  tlie  jjliysician  replied: 
"  Well,  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do  with  you,  Hillis. 
They  nay  you're  a  pretty  good  preacher,  and  you 
seem  to  think  I  am  a  fair  doctor,  so  I'll  make  this 
bargain  with  you.  I'll  do  all  I  can  to  keep  you  out 
of  iicaven  if  you  do  all  you  can  to  keep  me  out  of 
hell,  and  it  won't  cost  either  of  us  a  cent.  Is  it 
a  go?  " 

if 

REVIEWING  the  recent  Cannonading  in  Con- 
gress the  Hon.  Bourke  Cockran  radiated  this  bit 
of  sunshine  at  a  Democratic  rally  dinner  the  other 
evening.  He  was  remindi  d  of  a  fellow  countryman 
who  liad  repeatedly  demanded  a  transfer  of  a 
German-American  conductor  on  a  Broadway  sur- 
face car.  P'acli  request  had  met  witli  an  exasperat- 
ing, "  Xein." 

Bedad,  Oi'll  have  me  transfer  or  Oi'll  have 
yer  job,  ye  tongue-tied  spalpeen!'  declared  the 
son  of  Erin  with  accumulating  fervour. 

Nein,  nein,  nein.' 

Whist !  '  warned  Pat  at  length,  squaring  off 
belligerently.  '  Gimme  thot  transfer  or  Oi'll 
foiglit  ye  fuhr  it.' 

"'You  right  me  —  meinself  ?  '  rejoined  the 
other,  surveying  his  irate  fare  with  astonishment. 
'  Sehr  wohl  I  '  triunii)lianlly.  '  I  UnA  yon.  Take 
der  transfer.'  " 


50  After  Dinner  Stories 

GLENN  H.  CURTISS  says  of  the  Wright  Broth- 
ers good-liumoiircdly : 

"  They  don't  own  the  .air,  you  know.  Did  you 
hear  about  that  conversation  that  was  overlieard 
between  them  at  the  Dayton  plant? 

Orville,'  cried  Wilbur,  running  out  of  the 
doors  excitedly,  '  look !  Here's  another  aviator 
using  our  patent ! ' 

He  certainly  is ! '  shouted  Orville.  '  Tliat's 
our  simultaneous  warping  and  steering  movement 
to  a  T!' 

Call  a  cop ! '  screamed  Wilbur.  *  Get  another 
inj  unction !  ' 

"  But  Orville,  who  liad  looked  up  through  his 
binoculars,  laid  his  hand  gently  on  his  brother's 
arm.  '  Come  on  back  to  work,  Wilbur,'  he  said; 
*  it's  a  duck.'  " 


CARDINAL  GIBBONS  is  kindness  itself  in  his 
dealings  with  the  clergy  under  his  charge;  but  at 
times  he  takes  a  quiet  fling  at  young  ones  whom  he 
thinks  will  be  benefited  by  kindly  humour.  At  a 
dinner  recently,  where  a  young  orator  was  the  re- 
cipient of  congratulations  for  a  masterly  effort,  his 
Eminence  told  this  story: 

"  A  well-known  divine  was  delivering  a  eulogy 
over  a  fireman  killed  at  his  post.  Waxing  poetic, 
the  preacher  said,  '  The  soldier  hath  fought  his 
last  fight,  the  sailor  had  gone  on  his  last  voyage, 
the  fireman  hath  gone  to  his  last  fire.'  " 


By  Famous  ]Men  51 

CLARENCE    DARROW, 

so  it  is  related,  when  a  very 
joung  man,  just  starting 
out  to  practise  law,  was 
once  retained  by  a  mer- 
chant to  defend  him  in  a 
suit  for  damages  brouglit 
by  an  employe.  Unfortu- 
nately for  ]\Ir.  Darrow,  his 
client  completely  lost  his 
head  under  cross-examina- 
tion, furnishing  evidence  so 
vastly  favourable  to  tlie 
prosecution  as  to  result  in 
a  four-thousand  dollar  ver- 
dict. 

The  merchant,  however, 
was  highly  indignant  with  his  lawyer  for  having 
lost  the  case,  and  allowed  but  a  very  short  while 
to  elapse  before  he  acquainted  him  of  his  feelings 
about  it. 

"  If  I  had  a  son  born  an  idiot,"  he  blustered, 
^I'd  make  him  a  lawyer." 

"  Your    father   seems   to   have   been    of   another 
opinion,"  calmly  rejoined  ]\lr.  Darrow. 


COL.  JOHN  BREATHITT,  of  Mexico,  New 
Mexico,  and  Missouri,  was  in  Washington  a  bit 
ago  extolling  the  j)rfcocioiisncss  of  his  four-year- 
old  son  and  In  ir.      IJre.atliitt,  junior,  liad  eaten  the 


52  iM'ter  Dinner  Stories 

inside  of  his  toast  at  breakfast,  leaving  the  crusts 
in  the  offing.      His   father  reprimanded  him. 

"  When  I  was  a  little  boy  I  always  ate  the 
crusts  as  well  as  the  inside  of  my  toast,"  he 
said. 

Did  you  like  them?  "  was  the  cheerful  inquiry. 

"  Y-es." 

"Do  you  like  them  now.''  "  pursued  the  j'oung- 
ster. 

"  Yes,  very  much." 

"  Well,  you  may  have  these,"  said  the  incor- 
rigible, benevolently  |)iishing  over  the  discarded 
crusts. 

EX-GOVERNOR    PATTERSON,    of    Tennessee, 
tells  this  story: 

"  Down  in  Nashville  there  is  a  darky,  a  carpen- 
ter by  trade,  with  a  local  reputation  for  quickness 
at  repartee.  Not  many  months  ago  Ephraim  was 
subpoenaed  as  witness  before  a  justice  of  peace 
at  Nashville.  Under  severe  cross-examination  the 
witness  displayed  great  patience  and  self-control, 
and  all  went  smoothly  until  Ephraim  was  ques- 
tioned as  to  his  occupation. 

"  '  I's  a  cahj^enter,  sah,'  he"  answered. 
"  '  What  kind  of  a  carpenter?  ' 
"  '  Dey  call  me  a  jack-leg  cahpenter,  sah.' 
"  '  Jack-leg  carpenter?  '  repeated  the  prosecuting 
attorney  sharply.     '  What  is  a  jack-leg  carpenter?  ' 
"  '  Well,   sail,   a   jack-leg  cahpenter   is   what   us 


By  Famous  jNIen  53 

cullud  fokes  calls  a  cahpenter  what  ain't  a  fust- 
class  cahpenter.' 

"  '  I  fail  to  understand  you,'  said  the  lawjcr, 
Avith  growing  severity.  '  You'll  have  to  be  more 
exact.  What  is  the  difference  between  a  first-class 
carpenter  and  a  jack-leg  carpenter?  ' 

Well,  sail,  niebbe  it  might  be  explanationed  by 
saying  dat  de  dif'rence  is  jest  about  de  same  as 
between  you  and  a  fust-class  lawyer,  sah,'  re- 
sponded Ephraim  with  a  grin." 

W.  J.  ("Fingy")  CONNERS,  the  New  York 
politician,  who  is  not  precisely  a  Chesterfield,  se- 
cured his  first  great  freight-handling  contract  when 
he  was  a  roustabout  on  the  Buffalo  docks.  When 
the  job  was  about  to  begin  he  called  a  thousand 
burl}-  "  dock-wallopers  "  to  order,  as  narrated  by 
one  of  his  business  friends: 

"  Now,"  roared  Conners,  "  yez  are  to  worruk 
for  me,  and  I  want  ivery  man  here  to  understand 
what's  what.      I  kin  lick  anny  man  in  the  gang." 

Nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine  swallowed  the  in- 
sult, but  one  huge,  doul)le-fisted  warrior  moved  un- 
easily, and  stepping  from  the  line,  he  said,  "  You 
can't  lick  me,  Jim  Conners." 

I   can't,  can't  I  .^  "  bellowed  "  Fingy." 

"  No,  you  can't,"  was  the  determined  response. 

"  Oh,  well,  thin,  go  to  the  ofliee  and  git  your 
money,"  said  "Fingy."  "  I'll  have  no  man  in  me 
gang  that  I  can't  lick." 


54  After  Dinner  Stories 

EX-GOVERNOR  DRAPER,  of  Massachusetts, 
has  an  amusing  anecdote  about  a  friend  who  is  the 
owner  of  a  hirge  manufacturing  plant  near  Hope- 
dale. 

"  One  day,"  said  Mr.  Draper,  "  through  his  own 
carelessness,  a  man  was  injured  in  the  mill.  My 
friend  took  the  accident  very  much  to  lieart;  paid 
all  the  expenses  incurred,  and  when  the  man  be- 
came convalescent  he  stojjped  in  to  read  aloud  to 
him. 

T hot's  foine,'  said  the  patient,  as  the  first 
chapter  was  comjjleted;  'read  it  agin.'  After  the 
second  reading,  the  man  said  earnestly,  *  Plaze,  sor, 
if  ye  do  not  moind,  wud  ye  sit  on  th'  bed  by  me 
an'  read  it  again  ?  ' 

"  '  Certainly,'  said  the  visitor,  '  but  before  I  do, 
tell  me  why  the  opening  chapter  comforts  you  so.' 
Because,  sor,  ye've  a  rich  breath,  an'  whin  Oi 
closes  me  eyes  01  seems  to  be  out  wid  th'  B'ys.'  " 


KING  ALBERT,  of  Belgium,  like  his  sportive 
uncle,  is  exceedingly  fond  of  Paris.  He  visits  the 
gay  capital  as  often  as  the  affairs  of  state  permit. 
Usually  he  stops  at  one  of  the  quieter  hotels.  "  I 
was  standing  outside  the  Hotel  Bristol  not  long 
ago,"  he  narrates,  "  when  some  dozen  or  more  men 
and  women  of  the  French  peasant  type  gathered  on 
the  opposite  side  of  the  street.  They  kept  gazing 
at  the  main  entrance  and  whispering  among  them- 
selves.    Presently  one  of  them  approached  me  and 


By  Famous  IMen  55 

asked  when  tlie  king  Avould  come  out  for  his  after- 
noon constitutional.  '  Tlie  King?  '  I  repeated. 
•What  king?' 

"  '  Why,  his  Majesty  King  Albert/  said  the  man, 
'We  have  been  waiting  an  hour  just  to  catch  a 
glimpse  of  him.' 

Don't  bother  any  more,'  I  said,  '  he  isn't  worth 
waiting  for.' 

"  The  old  fellow  gave  me  a  fierce  scowl,  hurried 
over  to  his  companions,  and  shaking  a  knotted  fore- 
finger at  me  cried  out:  '  It  is  lucky  for  you  that 
you  are  not  in  King  Albert's  country.  You  would 
be  properly  punished  for  your  impudence  over 
there.' 

"  I  should  like,"  added  the  King,  "  to  have  those 
Frenchmen  for  subjects,  only  I  think  they  should 
at  least  know  what  their  ruler  looked  like." 


CHIEF  JUSTICE  FULLER  tells  a  tale  of  the 
days  when  he  was  a  struggling  dispenser  of  the 
law  in  Maine  and  was  locally  known  as  "  Judge." 

"  Several  hams  had  been  stolen  from  our  smoke- 
house, and  although  I  missed  them  at  once  I  said 
nothing  about  it  to  any  one.  A  few  days  later  a 
neighbour  called  informally. 

"  '  Say,  Judge,'  said  he,  '  I  heard  yew  had  some 
hams  stole  t'other  night?' 

"  '  Yes,'  I  replied,  very  confidentially,  '  but  don't 
tell  any  one.  You  and  I  arc  the  only  ones  who 
know  it.'  " 


56  After  Dinner  Stories 

WILLIAM  LAWRKXCK,  bisliop  of  M.iss.uliu- 
setts,  delights  in  telling  this  story: 

"  Once  when  there  was  a  vacancy  in  Massaelni- 
setts  bishopric^  Phillips  Brooks  was  the  most 
likely  candidate.  I  was  walking  with  President 
Eliot  one  day,  and  in  the  course  of  the  conversa- 
tion, I  said  to  him,  '  Do  yon  think  Brooks  will  be 
elected  ? ' 

"  '  Well,  no,'  said  Dr.  Eliot,  '  a  second-  or  third- 
rate  man  would  do  as  well.' 

"  Phillips  Brooks  was  elected,  and  a  short  time 
afterward  Dr.  Eliot  and  I  were  walking  again. 

"'Glad  Brooks  was  elected,  aren't  you.'*'  I 
asked. 

"  '  I  sup))ose  so,'  returned  Dr.  Eliot,  '  but  to  tell 
the  truth,  William,  you  were  my  man.'  " 


CAPTAIN  CHARLES  of  the  Lualtania  relates  the 
following: 

"  Last  summer  I  was  showing  a  young  woman 
friend  over  the  ship  during  one  of  our  westward 
trips,  and  as  we  passed  through  the  steerage  I 
called  my  fair  companion's  attention  to  a  strapping 
big  English  emigrant  who  was  putting  away  with 
knife,  fork,  and  sj^oon  a  huge  midday  meal. 

"  '  Just  look  at  the  enormous  amount  of  food  that 
fellow  is  consuming,'  said  I. 

"  '  I  sup))ose,  Captain,'  said  the  young  lady,  with 
a  dimpling  smile,  '  he  is  what  you  sailors  call  a 
stowawav.'  " 


By  Famous  'Men 


57 


JOHN  T.  FEATHER- 
STOX,  who  has  succeeded 
big  Bill  Edwards  in  the 
task  of  keeping  New 
York's  streets  clean,  in 
discussing  the  various  de- 
partments in  the  running 
of  a  city  told  about  a  cer- 
tain playwright  whose  com- 
l)any  was  to  give  a  per- 
formance of  his  play  in  the 
Ludlow  Street  Jail  before 
Sheriff  Harburger's  guests, 
lield  for  the  non-payment 
of  alimony.  The  play- 
wright had  been  in  West- 
chester County  automobil- 
ing  that  day.  Toward  nightfall  he  threw  in  the 
high  speed  and  tore  for  town.  The  story  goes  on 
in  the  playwright's  own  words: 

"It  happened  that  that  was  the  day  the  police 
started  their  crusade  against  speeders.  Any  other 
day  I  could  have  clattered  through  town  on  two 
wheels,  and  no  one  would  have  worried. 

"  This  day  I  was  nipped  at  Fifth  Avenue  and 
Twenty-third  Street. 

Let  me  go,'  I  begged  of  llic  ])()1  iceman,  '  I'm 
on  my  way  to  Ludlow  Slnct  J.iil.' 

"  '  It  seems  to  me,'  said  the  copjjer,  '  that  you're 
doggone  particular.' 

"  \\'hich  occurs  to  me  as  ratlier  ra])id  repartee." 


58  After  Dinner  Stories 

NICHOLAS  MURRAY  BUTLER,  President  of 
Columbia  University,  relates  an  amusing  incident 
that  goes  to  prove  there  has  been  a  considerable 
advancement,  in  tlie  last  half-century,  in  the  re- 
muneration of  teachers. 

"  Wlicn  I  was  a  boy,"  says  President  Butler, 
"  it  was  the  custom  for  the  country  people  to  work 
out  their  taxes  by  boarding  the  teacher.  This 
meant  that  as  part  pay  lie  was  from  time  to  time 
supplied  from  various  quarters  with  fresli  meat. 

"  One  day  a  boy  named  Tim  Moorehead  breath- 
lessly sought  our  instructor,  exclaiming,  '  Say, 
teacher,  my  pa  wants  to  know  if  you  like  pork.' 

"  '  Indeed  I  do,  Tim,'  answered  the  pedagogue. 
'  Say  to  your  father  that  there  is  nothing  in  the 
way  of  meat  I  like  better  than  pork.' 

"  Some  time  passed,  but  there  was  no  pork  from 
Tim's  father. 

"  '  How  about  the  pork  your  father  was  to  send 
me  ?  '  the  teacher  asked  the  boy,  one  day. 

"  '  Oh,'  answered  Tim,  '  the  pig  got  well.'  " 

JAMES  J.  HILL,  the  railroad  king,  told  the  fol- 
lowing amusing  incident,  happening  on  one  of  his 
roads: 

"  One  of  our  division  superintendents  had  re- 
ceived numerous  complaints  that  freight-trains  were 
in  the  habit  of  stopjiing  on  a  grade  crossing  in  a 
certain  small  town,  thereby  blocking  travel  for  long 
periods.     He  issued  orders,  but  still  the  kicks  came 


By  Famous  ]Men  59 

in.     Finally  he  decided  to  investigate  personally. 

"  A  short  man  in  size,  and  very  excitable,  he 
went  down  to  the  crossing,  and,  sure  enough,  there 
stood,  in  defiance  of  his  orders,  a  long  freight-train, 
anchored  squarely  across  it.  A  brakcman  who 
didn't  know  him  by  sight  sat  complacently  on  the 
top  of  a  car. 

"  '  Move  that  train  on !  '  sputtered  the  little 
'  super.'  '  Get  it  off  the  crossing  so  people  can 
pass.     Move  it  on,  I  say ! ' 

"  The  brakeman  surveyed  tlie  tempestuous  little 
man  from  head  to  foot.  '  You  go  to  blazes,  you  lit- 
tle shrimp,'  he  replied.  '  You're  small  enough  to 
crawl  under.'  " 


CHAMP  CLARK,  successor  to  "Uncle  Joe,"  is 
fond  of  telling  about  an  old  minister  named  Wilson 
who  once  preached  a  sermon  against  the  "  top- 
knot," a  style  of  hat  much  worn  by  women  during 
the  middle  of  the  nineteenth  century. 

He  gave  as  his  text,  "  Top-knot,  come  down," 
adding  that  it  was  taken  from  Matthew,  twenty- 
fourth  chapter,  seventeenth  verse,  and  preached  a 
sermon  against  tlie  modern  tendency  toward  frivol- 
ity. 

At  the  close  of  the  sermon  there  was  a  rustling 
of  leaves  as  the  congregation  turned  to  the  text, 
followed  by  a  ripple  of  mirth  as  they  read, 

"  Let  him  wliich  is  on  the  house-toj)  not  come 
down  to  take  anything  out  of  his  house!" 


60  After  Dinner  Stories 

HON.  JOHN  BARRETT,  director  of  tlic  Inter- 
national Bureau  of  American  Rei)ublics,  and  an  cx- 
newspaperman  of  wide  note,  has  this  "  shop-talk  " 
story  for  the  regalement  of  his  friends: 

A  reporter,  on  being  directed  to  interview  a  visit- 
ing English  traveller,  was  told  that  after  that  dis- 
tinguished iDcrson's  name  should  be  placed  the  let- 
ters, "  M.  I.  C.  E." —  Member  of  the  Institute  of 
Civil  Engineers. 

"  That's  easy  to  remember,"  thought  the  scribe, 
"  '  M.  I.  C.  E.'  spells  mice  —  can't  forget  that." 

When  his  copy  came  to  the  editor's  desk,  how- 
ever. Sir  Robert  Blank's  name  bore  after  it  the  as- 
tonishing letters,  "  R.  A.  T.  S." 


GEN.  HORACE  PORTER  tells  this  story: 

"  In  the  mountains  of  New  Hampshire  I  en- 
countered an  old  negro  who  loved  to  talk  about  the 
deeds  of  the  coloured  troop  of  which  he  was  a  mem- 
ber during  the  Rebellion,  and  whose  i)resent  occu- 
pation is  that  of  driver  on  an  ancient  and  rickety 
stage-coach. 

"  '  What  is  your  name.  Uncle  ?  '  I  asked  him. 

"  '  George  Washington,  sah,'  said  he,  with  dig- 
nity. 

"  '  That's  a  name  familiar  to  everybody  in  this 
country,'  I  said. 

"  '  I  reckon,  sah,  it  oughter  be,'  was  the  darky's 
pleased  reply,  '  'cause  I's  been  drivin'  heah  evah 
since  de  war.'  " 


By  Famous  ]Men 


61 


STUYVESAXT  FISH,  dis- 
cussing business,  told  how : 
"  There  is  a  physician  in 
Baltimore  who  is  notorious 
for  his  parsimony.  One 
afternoon  he  stepped  into  a 
hat  store  and  after  rummag- 
ing over  the  stock  to  his  sat- 
isfaction, selected  a  cheap, 
ordinary  hat. 

But  that  hat  is  not 
good  enough  for  you  to  wear ; 
here  is  what  you  want,'  tlie 
hatter  said,  exhibiting  one 
of  his  best  derbys. 

That's  the  best  I  can 
afford,  though.' 

Well,  see  here,  doctor,  I'll  make  you  a  pres- 
ent of  this  derby,  if  you'll  wear  it,  and  tell  whose 
store  it  came  from.     It's  a  five-dollar  hat.' 

And  the  price  of  tliis  ?  '  the  doctor  questioned, 
examining  the  cheajier  hat. 

Three.' 
"  The  doctor  put  on  the  three-dollar  hat.     '  This 
hat  will  answer  for  me  just  as  well  as  the  other.' 

J3ut  you'd  better  take  the  other,  sir;  it  won't 
cost  you  any  more.' 

But,'  the  doctor  replied,  hesitatingly,  '  I 
didn't  know  but  you'd  let  me  take  the  cheap 
one  —  and  j)erhaps  you'd  give  me  the  difference  in 
cash.'  " 


62  After  Dinner  Stones 

SENATOR  ELKINS,  deploring  the  dishonest 
methods  of  one  type  of  business  man,  said,  with  a 
smile : 

"It  all  brings  back  to  me  a  dialogue  I  once 
heard  in  a  Southern  school. 

"  '  Children/  said  the  teacher,  '  be  diligent  and 
steadfast,  and  you  will  succeed.  Take  the  ease  of 
George  Washington,  whose  birthday  we  are  soon 
to  celebrate.  Do  you  remember  my  telling  you  of 
the  great  difficulty  George  Washington  had  to  con- 
tend with  }  ' 

"  '  Yes,  ma'am,'  said  a  little  boy.  *  He  couldn't 
tell  a  lie.' " 


JUDGE  RICHARD  B.  RUSSELL,  of  Georgia,  is 
known  in  politics  as  "  Plain  Dick  "  Russell.  On 
the  recent  election  of  Governor  Hoke  Smith  to  the 
United  States  Senate,  Russell  announced  himself 
as  a  candidate  for  the  soon-to-be-vacated  executive 
office,  for  which  he  is  now  running  with  all  his 
might  —  which  is  saying  a  great  deal.  Besides 
being  a  justice  of  the  court  of  appeals,  a  well- 
known  politician,  and  a  prosperous  farmer.  Judge 
Russell  is  the  proud  father  of  fourteen  children. 
Having  twelve  children  already,  and  being  super- 
stitious by  nature,  l)c  was  unwilling  to  risk  the 
unlucky  thirteen,  so  liis  last  two  were  twins. 

On  one  occasion.  Judge  Russell  took  his  fourteen 
children  with  him  to  a  state  fair,  where,  among 
other   things,   they   were   exhibiting   a   two-headed 


By  Famous  INIen  63 

calf  as  a  side  attraction.  Judge  Russell  cautiously 
inquired  the  price  of  tickets. 

"  Ten  cents  for  whole  and  five  cents  for  half 
tickets/'  explained  the  showman. 

Brightening  perceptibly,  "  Plain  Dick  "  handed 
out  the  money.  "  Give  me  one  whole  and  fourteen 
halves,"  he  said. 

The  showman  eyed  him  curiously,  "  Have  you 
fourteen  children?  "  he  asked. 

"  I  have  that,"  replied  the  judge. 

"  Got  'em  all  wid  yer  ?  " 

"  Plain  Dick  "  pointed  proudly  to  the  long  row 
of  human  steps  rising  back  of  him.  "  There  they 
are,"  he  said ;  "  count  for  yourself." 

Lifting  his  finger,  the  showman  counted  one  by 
one. 

"  Mister,"  he  said,  "  keep  yer  money.  Suppose 
you  sell  me  a  ticket,  and  I'll  bring  the  calf  out  to 
see  you." 


J  GEORGE  EASTMAN,  the  inventor  of  the  kodak, 
is  responsible  for  this  story: 

"  I  was  sitting  in  a  drug  store  waiting  to  get  a 
))rescription  filled,  when  a  young  Irishman  entered. 
He  pointed  to  a  stack  of  green  castile  soap,  and 
said, 

"  'Oi  want  a  loonip  o'  thot.' 

Very  well,  sir,'  said  the  clerk,  '  will  you  have 
it  scented  or  unscented.''  ' 

Oi'll  take  ut  witli  mc,'  said  the  Irishman." 


04  After  Dinner  Stories 

"  THERE  was  never  a  sliip  yet,"  says  George 
Gould,  "  that  did  not  have  one  person  ahoard  who 
boasted  eternally  of  the  number  of  times  he  had 
crossed  the  Atlantic.  Now  it  is  thirty-nine  times, 
now  it  is  ninety-six  times.  Every  ship  carries  this 
one  passenger  who  seems  to  have  devoted  liis  whole 
life  to  making  a  record  for  Atlantic  crossings. 

"  I  once  heard  a  Detroit  girl  poke  a  little  fun 
at  a  ]iassenger  of  this  type.     He  said  to  her, 

"  '  Do  you  know,  this  is  my  fifty-seventh  cross- 
ing !  ' 

"  '  Is  it !  '  she  said  indifFerentl)'.  '  It's  my 
ninety-eighth.' 

"  '  Really?  '  the  man  exclaimed. 

"  '  Oh,  yes,  indeed,'  she  answered,  yawning. 
'  It's  an  old  story  with  me,  crossing  the  Atlantic 
now.  Why,  actually,  I  always  recognise  more  than 
half  the  waves  we  meet.'  " 


WILLIAM  IMcADOO,  former  police  commissioner 
of  New  York,  and  once  assistant  secretary  of  the 
navy,  tells  a  good  story  of  an  experience  he  had 
while  stopping  in  a  small  town  in  Nova  Scotia. 

"  You  from  New  York?  "  asked  the  owner  of  the 
hotel. 

"  I  am,"  said  ^NIcAdoo. 

"  Know  anybody  down  there  who  kin  run  a 
hotel  ?  " 

"  Several  people." 

"  Well,  I  wish  you  would  tell  me  the  name  of  a 


By  Famous  INIen  65 

good  man  I  can  get  to  come  up  here  and  run  this 
liotel  for  nie.  I  ain't  got  time  to  attend  to  it,  and 
I  want  an  honest,  sober,  resi)ectahle  man  to  take 
hold  of  it  for  nic." 

"  How  much  will  you  pay?  "  asked  McAdoo. 

"  Twenty-Hve  dollars  a  month,  or,  if  he's  espe- 
cially good,  I  might  go  to  thirty." 

McAdoo  promised  to  think  it  over,  and  that  night 
he  told  the  owner  a  good  man  to  write  to.  A  few 
days  later  Mr.  George  C.  Boldt,  proprietor  of  the 
Waldorf-Astoria  in  New  York  and  the  Bellevue- 
Stratford  in  Philadelphia,  was  highly  astonished  to 
receive  an  offer  of  twenty-five  dollars  a  month  and 
board  to  go  up  to  Nova  Scotia  to  run  a  hotel,  with 
the  promise  of  a  raise  to  thirty,  but  no  more,  if  he 
made  good. 

58 

THOMAS  A.  EDISON,  who,  as  every  one  knows, 
was  once  a  telegrapher,  has  this  one  in  his  reper- 
tory of  small  stories: 

Some  linemen  were  very  bus}'  putting  up  tele- 
plione  poles  through  a  farmer's  fields.  The  farmer 
presently  apjieared  and  vociferously  "ordered  them 
off  his  land,  whereupon  they  showed  him  a  paper 
giving  them  the  right  to  plant  jioles  wherever  tliey 
])leased.  The  granger  did  not  seem  over  much 
impressed,  but  strode  away.  In  a  little  while  a 
big  and  vicious  hull  charged  tlie  linemen,  while  the 
old  farmer  sat  on  the  fence,  and  yelled,  "  Show 
him  yer  ji.ipers,  darn  ye,  show  him  yer  papers!  " 


CG  After  Dinner  Stories 

SENATOR  GORE,  of  Oklahoma,  wliile  addressing 
a  convention  in  Oklahoma  City  recently,  told  this 
story,  illustrating  a  point  he  made: 

"  A  Northern  gentleman  was  being  entertained 
by  a  Southern  colonel  on  a  fishing-trip.  It  was 
his  first  visit  to  the  South,  and  the  mosquitoes  were 
so  bothersome  that  he  was  unable  to  sleep,  while  at 
the  same  time  he  could  hear  his  friend  snoring 
audibly. 

"  The  next  morning  he  approached  the  old 
darkey  who  was  doing  the  cooking. 

Jim,'  he  said,  '  how  is  it  the  Colonel  is  able  to 
sleep  so  soundly  with  so  many  mosquitoes  around  ?  * 

"  *  I'll  tell  you,  boss,*  the  darkey  replied,  '  de 
fust  part  of  de  night  de  kernel  is  too  full  to  pay 
any  'tenshun  to  de  skeeters,  and  de  last  part  of 
the  night  de  skeeters  is  too  full  to  pay  any  'tenshun 
to  de  kernel.' " 


THOMAS  A.  EDISON,  remarking  on  a  new  style 
aeroplane,  said  its  make-up  was,  to  say  the  least, 
novel.  "  It  is,  in  fact,  a  striking  idea.  I  have 
seen  nothing  to  beat  it  since  last  month.  Then  a 
young  man  from  Orange  showed  me  an  engagement 
ring  that  he  was  going  to  patent. 

"  *  But,*  said  I,  examining  the  very  ordinary- 
looking  circlet,  '  what  is  there  patentable  about 
this?* 

"  *  It  is  adjustable,  sir,'  answered  the  young  man 
proudly.** 


By  Famous  ^Nlen 


G7 


THE  following  story  is  told 
at  his  exjiense  by  Ex-gov- 
ernor Hadley  of  ^Missouri: 

"  I  was  returning  from  a 
tour  through  the  southeast- 
ern part  of  my  State  and 
stopped  at  one  of  the  towns 
along  my  route  to  make  a 
speech.  During  my  talk  I 
made  tlie  remark  that  I  was 
tlie  first  Republican  gov- 
ernor the  State  had  had  in 
forty  years,  then  I  paused 
to  let  the  fact  soak  in,  when 
some  one  in  tlie  rear  of  the 
hall  blurted  out,  'Well,  that's 
often  enough.'  " 


Cupynglit,  btraiib^.  bt.  Lou 


EVERETT  J.  LAKE,  ex-Lieutenant-governor  of 
Connecticut,  tells  a  story  on  himself,  as  follows: 

"  As  you  know,  I  am  a  member  of  that  gorgeous 
organisation,  the  Governor's  Foot  Guards.  At  the 
inauguration  of  the  late  Governor  Lilley,  the  Foot 
Guards,  of  course,  were  in  the  big  parade,  which 
in  its  route  had  to  pass  my  home.  As  we  ap- 
proaclifd  the  house,  I  noticed  my  wife  and  son  on 
the  porch,  with  eyes  wide  open  for  papa.  To  im- 
press the  boy  with  his  father's  importance,  my  chest 
went  out  a  few  inches  more  than  usual,  so  that  he 
might  iiave  a  good   view  of  the  numerous  medals 


68  After  Dinner  Stories 

and  decorations  resting  on  my  massive  front.  I 
certainly  thonglit  1  was  the  real  thing  in  that 
parade  nntil  I  heard  my  boy  say  to  his  mother: 
'  Oh,  Ma !  Look  how  they  all  are,  but  everybody's 
out  of  step  but  father.'  " 


WILTON  LACK  A  YE,  the  aetor-editor,  has  a 
friend  named  Brady,  a  press-agent,  who  in  sum- 
mer precedes  a  circus  and  in  winter  goes  ahead  of 
an  opera  company.  He  works  mostly  in  the  West. 
"  Recently,"  said  Mr.  Lackaye,  "  Brady  was 
enabled  to  visit  his  beloved  New  York,  the  place 
of  his  birth.  Shortly  after  his  arrival  I  ran  across 
him  on  Broadway.  '  Well,  old  man,'  I  said  to  him, 
'  I  sujjpose  you're  glad  to  be  back  in  New  York 
again  ?  ' 

Wilton,'  he  answered  earnestly,  '  it's  like  a 
glimpse  into  another  world.  But  Lve  been  away 
so  long  that  I  have  to  rehearse  to  cross  Broad- 
way.' " 

.}« 

GENERAL  MILES  tells  how  he  once  put  a  ques- 
tion or  two  to  a  veteran  negro  soldier  who  was  an 
inmate  of  a  soldier's  home.  The  old  fellow  was 
sunning  himself  on  the  grass,  when  the  general  en- 
gaged him  in  conversation  touching  his  camjiaigns 
and  the  officers  he  had  fought  under.  "  Did  you 
ever  see  Grant?  "  asked  the  visitor. 

"Did  I  ever  see  Grant.''"  repeated  the  old  fel- 


By  Famous  Men  69 

low,  with  a  superior  smile.  "  ^Vhy,  I  was  a-layin' 
on  de  ground  after  one  battle,  when  I  heahs  de 
sound  of  hosses'  hoofs,  and  den  a  voice  calls  out, 
'  Is  dat  you,  Morgan?  ' 

-"  I  knowed  in  a  second  dat  it  was  Gin'ral  Grant. 
'  Yassah,'  I  says,  very  respectful. 

"  '  Come  heah,'  says  Gin'ral  Grant. 

"  I  gits  up,  reluctant-like.  I  was  kinder  tired 
out. 

"  '  I  wants  yo'  to  git  back  home,'  says  Gin'ral 
Grant. 

■'  '  Why?  '  says  I,  still  respectful. 

" '  'Cause  you're  killin'  too  many  men,"  says 
Gin'ral  Grant." 

"  SPEAKING  of  smuggling  as  a  somewhat  ques- 
tionable art,"  said  Sir  Purdon  Clarke,  formerly 
director  of  the  Metrojjolitan  Museum  of  Art,  "  once 
in  travelling  through  Italy  I  was  stopjjcd  on  the 
outskirts  of  Florence  by  two  customs  officers. 
They  proceeded  solemnly  to  search  my  luggage, 
but  found  nothing  dutiable  until  they  came  upon  a 
small  bottle  of  Chianti  that  I  had  purchased  in 
Switzerland.      It  was  half  full. 

"  '  You  will  have  to  pay  duty  on  this  wine,'  they 
declared  pompously. 

"  I  got  out  of  the  vehicle,  sat  down  by  the  road- 
side, drank  what  wine  was  left  in  the  bottle  and 
threw  the  bottle  away;  whereupon  they  were  forced 
to  permit  me  to  carry  the  wine,  minus  duty,  into 
Florence." 


70  After  Dinner  Stories 

SENATOR  HALE,  of  Maine,  met  Senator 
Spooner  one  day  "when  tlicrc  was  to  be  a  niVlit  ses- 
sion of  tlie  Senate.  "  Spooner/'  said  Hale,  "  I 
suppose  you  will  be  at  the  night  session  ?  " 

"  I  don't  see  how  I  can,"  Spooner  replied.  "  I 
have  a  dinner  engagement  that  jirevents." 

"  Spooner,"  remonstrated  Senator  Hale,  "  that 
isn't  the  right  spirit.  We  have  an  enormous  quan- 
tity of  work  to  do,  and  we  must  give  up  our  pleas- 
ures for  the  duties  our  constituents  have  entrusted 
us  to  perform.     We  are  needed  at  our  desks." 

Senator  Sjiooner  thought  it  over  and  telephoned 
to  his  wife  that  he  could  not  get  to  the  dinner  be- 
cause of  the  night  session.  He  told  her  to  go  and 
have  a  good  time,  and  he  remained  at  his  desk 
until  the  Senate  adjourned.  When  he  reached 
home  he  asked  INIrs.  Spooner  if  she  had  a  good  time. 

"  Delightful,"  said  she. 

"  Who  took  you  in  to  dinner?  "  asked  Spooner. 

"  Senator  Hale,"  Mrs.  Spooner  reiilied. 


SENATOR  CHAUNCEY  M.  DEPEW  was  the 
star  speaker  at  a  dinner  given  to  a  crowd  of  railroad 
men.  In  the  course  of  his  remarks  he  told  a  story 
wherein  a  certain  manufacturer,  left  practically 
alone  in  his  factory  through  a  lockout,  was  repre- 
sented as  pointing  to  the  office-clock  over  his  desk 
and  saying, 

"  There  are  two  hands  in  my  office  that  never 
strike." 


By  Famous  ^Men  71 

"  Whereupon/'  said  the  senator,  "  the  clock 
struck  two.  After  the  dinner  one  of  my  friends 
came  up  and  congratulated  me. 

"  '  Your  speech  was  great/  he  said.  '  That  story 
about  the  clock  is  a  daisy.' 

"  '  I  think  it  is  j^retty  good/  I  said  modestly. 

"  About  fifteen  minutes  later  another  friend  came 
up  who  was  not  so  eulogistic.  *  Chauncey/  he  said, 
'  I  think  that  story  about  the  clock  better  every  time 
I  hear  it.     I  think  to-night  was  the  fiftieth  time.' 

"  '  Why,  President  Newell  says  that  story  is  a 
daisy/   I   expostulated. 

"  He  laughed.  *  You  ought  to  study  botany, 
Chauncey,  and  you  would  learn  that  a  daisy  is  a 
hardy  annual.'  " 


E.  C.  BENEDICT,  the  yachtsman,  was  sympa- 
thising with  the  owner  of  a  motor-boat  who  had  lost 
a  race  through  some  sort  of  sharp  practice.  To 
show  his  friend  that  others  had  suffered  misfortune, 
he  told  the  following  story  of  an  old  darky  of  his 
acquaintance  who  once  lay  seriously  ill  of  fever: 

This  coloured  man  was  treated  for  a  long  time 
by  one  doctor,  and  then  another  doctor,  for  some 
reason,  came  and  took  the  first  one's  place.  The 
second  physician  made  a  thorough  examination  of 
the  patient.  At  the  end  he  said,  "  Did  the  other 
doctor  take  your  temperature .''  " 

"  Ah  dunno,  sah,"  the  patient  answered.  "  Ah 
hain't  missed  nuthin'  so  fur  but  mali  watch." 


72  After  Dinner  Stories 

GOVERNOR  HIRAM  W.  JOHNSON,  of  Cali- 
fornia, always  has  an  amusing  anecdote  to  relate. 
One  of  his  newest  ones  is  as  follows: 

"  An  Episco23aI  minister,  who  was  the  rector  of 
a  very  fashionable  church  in  a  suburb,  decided  he 
could  not  be  bothered  with  the  iiniumerable  tele- 
phone calls  that  fall  to  one  of  his  ])rofession.  So 
he  had  his  name  left  out  of  the  telephone  directory. 

"  A  prominent  merchant  having  the  same  name 
and  living  in  the  same  suburb,  was  continually 
annoyed  by  requests  to  officiate  at  funerals  and 
baptisms.  He  finally  asked  the  rector  to  put  his 
name  back.     But  he  was  not  successful. 

"  Since  the  rector  wouldn't,  the  merchant  de- 
cided to  complain  to  the  telephone  company.  As 
he  was  writing  a  letter,  one  evening,  the  telephone 
rang  twice,  both  times  asking  for  the  minister. 
His  patience  was  about  exhausted  and  just  as  he 
had  settled  himself,  the  bell  rang  again.  This 
time  it  was  a  timid  voice  of  a  young  man  asking 
if  the  Rev.  Mr.  Blank  would  marry  him  at  once. 

"  After  a  moment's  hesitation,  a  happy  thought 
came  to  him.  '  No,'  he  said,  '  I  can't  marry  you 
to-night.  I'm  too  damn  busy  writing  my  ser- 
mons.' " 

St 

FRANK  H.  HITCHCOCK,  the  postmaster-gen- 
eral, tells  this  story  concerning  one  of  the  rural 
cogs  in  the  post-office  machine. 

"  That  the  rural  post-office  is   still  the   bureau 


By  Famous  ]Men  73 

of  general  information,  in  the  South,  no  less  than 
in  the  North  and  the  Middle  West,  was  recently 
evidenced  by  a  conversation  precipitated  by  an  old 
darky,  who  approached  the  postmaster  of  an  Ala- 
bama village  and  said: 

Any  letter  fo'  me?  '     '  No.' 
"  *  Any  postal  cards  ?  '     '  No.' 
"  *  Is  my  paper  come  }  '     '  No.' 
Got  any  almanacs?  '      '  No.' 
Say,   docs   you  know   anybody   that   wants   to 
buy  a  live  alligator  ?  '  " 


REPRESENTATIVE  HENRY,  of  Texas,  in  an 
eloquent  and  caustic  speech  in  the  House  last  ses- 
sion, condemned  the  American  heiress,  who  mar- 
ries, for  the  sake  of  his  title,  the  nobleman  ruinid 
in  health  and  prospects  by  dissipation. 

Discussing  this  speech  with  a  reporter,  Mr. 
Henry  said: 

"  I  want  to  see  our  hale  young  girls  marry  hale 
young  men.  I  want  to  see  them  all  showing  the 
spirit  of  a  girl  I  know  in  Waco.  She  was  proposed 
to  by  a  rich  baclielor  of  fifty.  And  she  refused 
him. 

"  '  Yes,  I  refused  him.  He  has,  you  know,  a 
past.      He  has  a  dreadful  past.' 

"  '  Oh,  but,'  said  tlie  mutual  friend,  '  a  man  can 
always  blot  out  liis  past.' 

"  '  Yes,  that  may  be,'  replied  this  splendid  Waco 
girl,  '  but  he  shan't  use  me  for  a  blotter.'  " 


74  After  Dinner  Stories 

UPTON  SINCLAIR,  tlic  well-known  writer,  told 
the  other  day  about  a  school  address  that  he  once 
made. 

"  It  was  a  school  of  little  boys/*  said  Mr.  Sin- 
clair. "  '  The  Jungle  '  was  selling  at  the  rate  of 
ten  thousand  copies  a  day  at  the  time,  and,  feeling 
flush,  I  opened  my  address  by  laying  a  five-dollar 
bill  on  the  table  before  me. 

"  '  I  am  going  to  talk  to  you  boys  about  Social- 
ism/ I  said.  *  I  hojic  to  convert  you  all  to  Social- 
ism. When  I  finish  my  remarks  the  boy  who  gives 
me  the  best  reason  for  turning  Socialist  will  get 
this  five-dollar  bill.' 

"  Then  I  spoke  for  some  twenty  minutes.  The 
boys  were  all  converted  at  the  end.  I  began  to 
question  them, 

"  *  You  are  a  Socialist,  are  you? '  I  said  to  the 
boy  nearest  me. 

"  *  Yes,  sir,'  he  replied. 

"  '  And  why  are  you  a  Socialist?  '  I  asked. 

"  He  pointed  to  the  crisp  five-dollar  bill.  *  Be- 
cause I  need  the  money,'  he  said." 


CURTIS  GUILD,  former  governor  of  Massa- 
chusetts, was  once  asked  for  the  funniest  story 
he  ever  heard.     This  is  the  story  he  told: 

"  An  Irishman  and  a  Jew  were  discussing  the 
great  men  who  had  belonged  to  each  race  and,  as 
may  be  expected  got  into  a  heated  argument.  Fi- 
nally the  Irishman  said: 


By  Famous  INIen  75 

"  *  Ikey,  listen.  For  ivery  great  Jew  ye  can 
name  ye  may  pull  out  one  of  me  whiskers,  an'  for 
ivery  great  Irishman  I  can  name  I'll  pull  out  one 
of  yours.     Is  it  a  go?  ' 

"  They  consented,  and  Pat  reached  over,  got 
hold  of  a  whisker,  said,  '  Robert  Emmet,'  and 
pulled. 

"  '  Moses ! '  said  the  Jew,  and  pulled  one  of  Pat's 
tendcrest. 

"  *  Dan  O'Connell,'  said  Pat,  and  took  another. 

"  '  Abraham,'  said  Ikey,  helping  himself  again. 

"  *  Patrick  Henry,'  returned  Pat  with  a  vicious 
yank. 

"  '  The  Twelve  Apostles,'  said  the  Jew,  taking  a 
handful  of  whiskers. 

"  Pat  emitted  a  roar  of  pain,  grasped  the  Jew's 
beard  with  both  hands,  and  yelled,  '  The  Ancient 
Order  of  Hibernians  ! '  " 


O.  HENRY  always  retained  the  whimsical  sense 
of  humour  which  made  him  quickly  famous.  Not 
long  ago  he  called  on  the  cashier  of  a  New  York 
publishing  house,  after  vainly  writing  several  times 
for  a  check  which  had  been  promised  as  an  ad- 
vance on  his  royalties. 

"  I'm  sorry,"  explained  the  cashier,  "  but  Mr. 
Blank,  who  signs  the  checks,  is  laid  up  with  a 
sprained  ankle." 

"  But,  my  dear  sir,"  expostulated  the  author, 
"does  he  sign  them  willi  his  feet.''  " 


76 


After  Dinner  Stories 


MAJOR  GENERAL 
JESSE  M.  LEE  tells 
this  story  of  the  little  boy 
who  went  to  church  with 
his  father  —  also  with  a 
quarter  and  a  penny. 
'  "  *  Did  you  contribute 
to  the  collection  plate, 
Frederick  ?  '  the  father 
asked  after  the  service. 
"  '  Yes,  Papa.' 

And  you  put  the 
quarter,  not  the  penny  in 
the  collection  plate,  of 
course? ' 

"  Frederick      hesitated. 
'  Daddy,'  he  said  at  last, 
'  the  minister  said  the  Lord  loves  a  cheerful  giver  ?  ' 
That's    right,'    agreed    the    father    encourag- 
ingly. 

Well,  I  wanted  the  Lord  to  love  me,  and  the 
jienny  was  all  I  could  give  and  be  cheerful  about 
it.'  " 

at 


GEORGE  A.  HILL,  of  the  United  States  Naval 
Observatory,  before  leaving  on  a  trip  for  the  pur- 
pose of  studying  a  solar  eclipse,  remarked  with  a 
sigh :  "  I  have  high  hopes  for  the  success  of  this 
expedition,  but  think  how  often  the  highest  hopes 
are  blasted !     Think  how  many  boys   begin  their 


By  Famous  Men  77 

careers  with  full  confidence  of  becoming  presidents, 
governors,  or  senators  at  the  very  least,  and  look 
what  ha})pens  to  them. 

"  A  boy,  and  he  was  a  bright  boy,  too,  left  liis 
father's  farm,  near  my  native  town  of  Elizabeth, 
New  Jersey,  and  went  to  New  York  to  seek  his 
fortune.  None  of  his  ftthil^  seemed  to  doubt  in 
the  least  that  his  fortune  would  meet-Jiim  at  the 
ferry  with  a  brass  band.  But  six  months  passed 
without  a  word  from  the  adventurous  youth.  At 
last,  one  cold  winter  afternoon*  his  father  received 
this  note  scribbled  in  pencil  on  an  old  scrap  of 
wrapping-paper : 

Dear  Pa,  meet  me  under  the  old  bridge  to- 
morrow night  after  dark.  Bring  with  you  a  blan- 
ket or  a  suit  of  clothes.     I  have  a  hat.'  " 


"  THAT  view  is  rather  unscientific,"  said  Dr. 
Simon  Flexner,  the  head  of  the  Rockefeller  Insti- 
tute, at  a  dinner-party  in  New  York.  "  It  re- 
minds me  of  Hopkinson,  who  was  wont  to  observe 
Lent  very  vigorously.  But  on  a  certain  fast  day, 
after  three  hours  of  golf,  Hopkinson  couldn't  resist 
a  luncheon  of  chops.  And  as  he  munched  his 
chops,  a  violent  storm  came  up  suddenly;  a  blue 
light  filled  the  room,  and  then  a  terrific  clap  of 
thunder  shook  the  building. 

Hopkinson,  jiale  and  shaky,  laid  down  his  knife 
and  fork.  '  \\'liat  a  fuss,'  he  muttered,  '  over  a 
mutton-chop ! '  " 


78  After  Dinner  Stories 

JUSTICE  OLIVER  WENDELL  HOLMES  told 

a  story  the  other  day  of  an  Indiana  justice  of  the 
peace  who  owned  a  farm.  One  of  his  fences  ran 
along  the  boundary  line  of  the  States  of  Indiana 
and  Ohio.  Like  others  in  rural  districts  who  hold 
that  office,  he  had  an  abnormal  appreciation  of  its 
responsibility,  and  never  lost  an  opportunity  to 
exercise  liis  prerogative  of  demanding  that  the 
peace  be  preserved. 

One  day  his  son  and  his  hired  man  got  to  fight- 
ing on  a  stretch  of  the  farm  near  the  boundary 
fence,  and  the  justice  of  the  peace  rushed  out  and 
mounted  the  fence.  Then,  with  head  cocked  high, 
and  the  air  of  one  who  has  but  to  command,  he 
shouted,  "  In  the  name  of  the  State  of  Indiana  I 
demand  the  preservation  of  the  peace !  "  Just  then 
the  fence  gave  way  under  his  weight,  and  as  he 
went  down  with  the  fence  toppling  over  to  the 
Ohio  side,  he  shouted  to  his  son,  "  Give  him  the 
devil,  Jim;  I've  lost  my  jurisdiction!" 


JUDGE  LINDSEY,  of  the  famous  Denver  ju- 
venile court,  said  in  the  course  of  a  recent  address 
on  charity: 

"  Too  many  of  us  are  inclined  to  think  that,  one 
misstep  made,  the  boy  is  gone  for  good.  Too  many 
of  us  are  like  the  cowboy.  An  itinerant  preacher 
talked  to  a  cowboy  audience  on  the  prodigal  son. 
He  described  the  foolish  prodigal's  extravagance 
and  dissipation;  he  described  his  penury  and  his 


By  Famous  Men  79 

husk-eating  with  the  swine  in  the  sty;  he  de- 
scribed his  return,  his  father's  loving  welcome,  the 
rejoicing  and  the  preparation  of  the  fatted  calf. 

"  The  preacher  in  his  discourse  noticed  a  cow- 
boy staring  at  him  very  hard.  He  thought  he  had 
made  a  convert,  and  addressing  the  cowboy  per- 
sonally he  said  from  the  pulpit: 

"  '  My  dear  friend,  what  would  you  have  done 
if  you  had  had  a  prodigal  son  returning  home  like 
that?' 

"  *  ]\f e  ?  '  said  the  cowbo}^,  promjitly  and  fiercely, 
*  I'd  have  shot  the  bov  and  raised  the  calf.'  " 


EX-PRESIDENT  ROOSEVELT  says  the  inci- 
dent that  amused  him  most  since  his  return  to 
America  occurred  in  his  summer  home  at  Oyster 
Bay  on  the  day  of  his  arrival  there.  Responding 
to  the  clamour  of  his  townsfolk  for  an  informal 
speech,  Mr.  Roosevelt  reverted  for  a  moment  to  his 
pet  sul)ject  —  race  suicide.  In  the  crowd  was  a 
man  with  three  small  children  projiped  up  on  his 
shoulders  and  a  woman  close  beside  him  carrying 
two  babies. 

"  The  speech  was  going  along  smoothly,"  nar- 
rates the  former  President,  "  when  the  man  with 
tlie  three  children  broke  in  with  a  voice  that  could 
liave  been  heard  a  quarter  of  a  mile. 

"  '  Hey,  Teddy !  '  he  shouted,  '  can  you  beat  this? 
It's  a  full  house,  Teddy.  Triplets  and  twins:  three 
of  a  kind  and  a  pair !  '  " 


80  After  Dinner  Stories 

DR.  HARVEY  W.  WILEY,  former  cliief  of  the 
bureau  of  cliemistry  in  the  Department  of  Agri- 
culture, and  author  of  "1001  Tests  —  of  Foods, 
Beverages  and  Toilet  Accessories,"  has  interpreted 
man}'  laws  affecting  ])ure  food  and  drugs,  and  has 
had  some  of  his  opinions  reversed  by  the  Depart- 
ment of  Justice  and  the  President. 

He  was  discussing  this  one  day  when  he  said: 
"  The  matter  of  interpreting  laws  is  much  like 
the   story  of  the   little   boy   who   was   told   by   his 
teacher  to  read  something  from  a  primer.      The  boy 
read  as  follows: 

This  is  a  warm  doughnut.     Step  on  it.' 
Why,  Johnny,'   said  the  teacher,   '  that  can't 
be  right.     Let  me  see  your  book.' 
"  This  is  what  she  found: 

This  is  a  worm.     Do  not  step  on  it.'  " 


GOVERNOR  FOSS,  of  Massachusetts,  tells  of  a 
well-known  divine  who  was  visiting  a  State  prison, 
when  he  came  across  a  prisoner  whose  features 
were  familiar  to  him.  "  What  brought  you  here, 
my  poor  fellow  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  You  married  me  to  a  new  woman  a  little  while 
ago,  sir,"  the  prisoner  replied,  with  a  sigh. 

"  Ah,  I  see,"  said  the  parson ;  ''  and  slie  was 
domineering  and  extravagant,  and  she  drove  you 
to  desperate  courses,  eh  ?  " 

"  No/'  said  the  prisoner,  "  my  old  woman  turned 
up." 


Bv  Famous  !Men 


81 


JOHN"       MASOX, 

the  cipable  actor  of 
strong,  quiet  roles, 
relates  that  some 
time  ago  while  stay- 
ing in  a  southern 
town  he  visited  the 
court  one  morning 
where  the  newly- 
made  judge,  a 
friend  of  his,  wns 
])residing. 

"  There  was  much 
disorder  because  of 
an  unusually  large 
attendance.  In  the 
confusion,  the 
judge,  being  new  to  the  position,  lost  his  temper. 

"'You,  there!'  he  cried,  ))ointing  his  finger  at 
an  old  negro  who  was  standing  in  front  of  him. 
'arc  you  the  defendant?' 

"  '  No,  suh,  I  ain't,  suh,'  the  darkey  emphatically 
replied.  '  I'se  got  a  lawyer  man  to  do  th'  defend- 
ing.' 

"  '  Tlien  wlio  are  you?  '  his  honour  demanded. 

"  '  I'.se  de  gen'lemun  dat  stole  de  chickens,'  came 
the  calm  rcioindcr." 


DAVID  R.  FRANCIS,  while  governor  of  Mis- 
souri, was  once  down  in  the  timber  lands  of  south- 
ern   Mississippi   with   a   few   friends   on   a   hunting 


82  After  Dinner  Stories 

trip.  Tlic  party  founrl  more  mosquitoes  tlmn  any- 
tliiii^  else,  and  finally,  stung  to  desperation  and 
exasperated  by  the  guide's  indiflerenee  to  the  pest, 
the  governor  turned  to  him  with  a  not  very  polite 
query  as  to  how  he  stood  "  these  infernal  mos- 
quitoes." 

"  Mor.quitoes?  "  said  the  guide.  "Why,  Gov- 
ernor, there  ain't  a  mosquito  among  'em.  Them's 
gnats." 

"  I'll  give  you  ten  dollars  if  you  will  lie  down 
on  that  log  with  3'our  back  bared  and  stay  there 
for  ten  minutes/'  said  Mr.  Francis. 

Soon  seeing  that  the  man  would  win  the  ten,  the 
governor  winked  at  one  of  his  friends,  and  pro- 
duced a  small  sun-glass,  which  he  focused  on  a 
spot  between  the  shoulders  of  the  prostrate  man. 

A  few  moments  later  the  muscles  on  the  guide's 
back  began  to  twitch  just  a  little,  then  he  began  to 
squirm  a  trifle.  Finally  he  raised  his  head  from 
his  arms  and  said,  sort  of  wistfully, 

"  Say,  Governor,  does  wassups  count  .^  " 

HENRY  GEORGE  is  credited  with  an  amusing 
anecdote  concerning  the  recent  State  election  in 
New  York. 

On  his  way  to  vote  John  A.  Dix  was  introduced 
to  a  son  of  an  old  friend. 

"  I  am  glad  to  meet  you,  sir,"  said  the  man  who 
that  day  was  to  be  elected  to  the  highest  office  in 
the  Empire  State. 

"  I   have  known  your   father   for  a   good   many 


By  Famous  INIen  83 

years,  but  tliis  is  tlie  first  time  I  have  had  the 
pleasure  of  seeing  you.  I  notice,  however,  that  tlie 
son  is  a  better-looking  man  than  his  father." 

"  Oh,  come,  ^Ir.  Dix,"  replied  the  young  man, 
"  you  needn't  try  to  jolly  me  that  way.  I  don't 
care  how  the  old  man  votes;  I'm  for  Stimson  and 
the  Rooseveltism" 

"  I  said,"  replied  Mr.  Dix  pleasantly,  "  that  the 
son  is  a  better-looking  man  than  his  father,  but  I 
didn't  say  he  had  as  much  sense." 

JUDGE  GEORGE  F.  LAWTOX,  of  the  Middle- 
sex Probate  Court  of  Massachusetts,  told  a  story 
the  other  day  about  a  friend  of  his,  a  minister,  who 
was  spending  his  sabbatical  year  travelling  abroad. 
Arriving  in  London,  he  made  every  effort  to  get 
an  intimate  view  of  the  two  branches  of  Parlia- 
ment in  session.  Of  course  no  stranger  is  allowed 
on  the  floor  of  the  House  of  Lords,  but  the  min- 
ister, not  knowing  this,  tried  to  make  his  way  in. 
There  is  a  rule,  however,  that  servants  of  the 
various  lords  may  be  admitted  to  speak  to  their 
masters.  Seeing  the  minister  walking  boldly  in, 
the  doorkeejjer  asked: 

"  What  lord  do  you  serve?  " 

"What  lord?"  repeated  the  astonishrd  Ameri- 
can.    "  The  Lord  Jfhov.ih  !  " 

I"or  a  momiiit  the  doorket-per  hesilatt'd  .ind  then 
admitted  him.  Turin'ng  to  an  assistant  standing 
near,  i.e  said,  "  He  nuist  mean  one  of  those  poor 
Scotch  lairds." 


84  After  Dinner  Stories 

FJ.BERT  HUBBARD,  who  never  loses  a  chance 
to  "  put  one  over  "  on  tlie  doctors,  tells  the  follow- 
ing story : 

"  A  man  hy  the  nanie  of  J'Aaiis  died,  and  went  to 
heaven.  When  he  arrived  at  the  pearly  gates  he 
said  to  St.  Peter, 

"  '  Well,  I'm  here.' 

"  St.  Peter  asked  his  name. 

"  '  John  Evans,'  was  the  reply, 

"  St.  Peter  looked  through  the  book  and  sliook 
his  head.      '  You  don't  belong  here,'  lie  said. 

"  '  But  I'm  sure  I  belong  here,'  said  the  man. 

"  *  Wait  a  minute,'  said  St.  Petero  He  looked 
again,  and  in  tlie  back  part  of  the  book  found  the 
name. 

"  '  Sure,'  said  the  guardian  of  the  gate>  '  you  be- 
long here,  but  you  weren't  expected  for  twenty 
years.     Who's  your  doctor  ?  '  " 

REVEREND  LYMAN  POWELL,  of  Northamp- 
ton, has  a  bright  little  son  who  is  very  much  fright- 
ened in  thunder-storms.  One  day  a  heavy  shower 
came  up  when  the  little  fellow  had  wandered  away 
from  the  house.  His  father,  who  was  watching  for 
him,  saw  him  come  running  toward  home  as  the 
first  drops  fell. 

He  looked  terrified,  and  his  lips  were  moving. 

"  What  were  you  saying?  "  asked  the  father. 

"  I  was  reminding  (iod  that  I  am  a  minister's 
son !  "  the  boy  replied. 


By  Famous  ]Men 


8a 


WILLIAM  F.  Mc- 
COMBS  says:  "  Several 
philanthropic  personages 
were  assembled  at  a  club 
one  evening,  and  conver- 
sation had  gone  to  some 
length  wlien  a  man  who 
■was  sitting  quietly  in  a 
corner  arose,  and  broke 
into  tlie  fest. 

Your  jjhilanthropists 
are  all  right,'  he  re- 
marked, '  but  I  think  it 
is  only  just  that  my  next- 
door  neighbour,  Fred 
Watkins,  should  be  in- 
cluded in  the  kindly  dis- 
posed bunch.' 

We  are  willing  to  add  him  to  the  list,'  re- 
sponded one  of  the  group,  '  but  is  he  really  so 
generous  ?  ' 

Well,  I  should  say  he  is,'  was  the  emphatic 
and  immediate  declaration.  '  Dozens  of  tram])s 
hammer  at  his  back  door,  and  I  have  never  known 
him  to  turn  one  down  —  that  is  completely.' 

You  don't  mean  it?  '  was  the  astonished  reply. 

That's  a  fact,'  rejoined  the  first.  '  He  always 
gives  them  a  letter  of  introduction  to  me.'  " 

SENATOR     TILLMAN     piloted     a     constituent 
around    the    Capitol    Building   for   a   while   during 


CopyriKht.  Harri!)  &  Kvviiig 


86  After  Dinner  Stories 

the  last  session,  and  then,  having  work  to  do  on 
the  floor,  conducted  him  to  the  Senate  gallery. 

"After  an  hour  or  so,"  said  Mr.  Tillman,  "my 
visitor  approached  a  gallery   doorkeeper. 

"  '  My  name  is  Swate,'  he  told  the  fellow,  '  and 
I'm  going  out  to  get  a  drink.  I  thought  I'd  better 
tell  you  so  I  can  git  back.  I'm  a  friend  of  Till- 
man's.' 

"  The  doorkeeper  said  that  was  all  right,  but  ni 
case  he  was  not  there,  and  in  order  to  prevent  any 
mistake,  he  would  give  him  the  Senate  password, 

"  Swate's     eyes     rather     pojiped     out     at     this. 
'  What's  the  word  ?  '  he  asked. 
Idiosyncrasy.' 

"'What?' 

"  '  Idiosyncrasy,'  repeated  the  doorkeeper  so- 
berly. 

"'I  guess  I'll  stay  in,'  said  Swate,  'and  wait 
for  Tillman.'  " 

EX-PRESIDENT  TAFT,  while  on  one  of  his  trips 
to  the  West,  made  a  stop  at  a  small  town  where  he 
spoke  a  few  minutes  and  received  the  usual  bushel 
or  two  of  flowers  from  the  admiring  young  ladies. 
Just  as  the  special  was  pulling  out  of  the  station  a 
bare-foot  boy,  carrying  a  bouquet,  came  running 
and  squirming  through  the  crowd.  Mr.  Taft  saw 
him. 

"  I  can't  run  away  from  the  little  fellow  like 
this,"  he  said,  pulling  the  bell-rope  and  bringing 
the  train  to  a  stop. 


By  Famous  Men  87 

The  youngster  came  uj^  breathlessly  and  deliv- 
ered the  roses.  The  President  smiled  and  handed 
him  a  dollar. 

"  Tom,"  said  he  to  the  porter,  after  the  train 
had  resumed  its  way,  "  it  seems  to  me  these  flowers 
are  rather  wilted.  The  boy  must  have  had  a  hard 
time  getting  through  the  crowd." 

"  They  ought  to  be  wilted,"  answered  Tom,  with 
a  grin.  "  That  there  bouquet  has  been  on  this 
train  for  three  days,  and  I  just  threw  it  out  as  we 
came  into  that  town  back  there." 


SENATOR  KEXYOX,  who  was  recently  elected 
to  the  lamented  Dolliver's  jolace  in  the  Senate,  is 
credited    with    this   story: 

"  Judging  from  the  stuff  printed  in  the  news- 
papers, we  are  a  pretty  bad  lot.  Almost  in  the 
class  a  certain  miss  whom  I  know  unconsciously 
puts  us  in.  It  was  at  a  recent  examination  at  her 
school  that  the  question  was  put,  '  Who  makes  the 
laws  of  our  government?  ' 

"  '  Congress,'  was  the  united  reply. 

"'How  is  Congress  divided.'''  was  the  next 
query. 

"  My  young  friend  raised  her  hand. 

"  '  ^^'ell,'  said  the  teacher,  '  what  do  you  say  the 
answer  is  ?  ' 

"  Instantly,  with  an  air  of  confidence  as  well  as 
triumph,  the  miss  replied,  '  Civilised,  half  civilised, 
and  savage.'  " 


88  After  Dinner  Stories 

A.  P.  GARDNER,  Congressman  from  Massa- 
cliusctts,  tells  of  a  little  shooting  party  which  was 
attended  by  some  of  tiie  elite  of  that  vicinity. 

"  ]\Iore  than  one  of  the  party,"  said  Mr.  Gard- 
ner, "  felt  a  trifle  nervous  about  a  certain  young 
Englishman,  as  he  and  his  gun  seemed  strangers. 
Nothing  occurred,  however,  until  I  felt  something 
poking  me  in  the  side  as  we  crept  along.  Turning 
quickl)^,  I  found  the  novice  prodding  me  with  the 
muzzle  and  fumbling  with  the  hammers  of  his  gun. 
Hi,  Gus,'  he  whispered,  '  before  we  get  on  to 
the  birds  you  might  just  show  me  'ow  j^ou  let  these 
'ere  triggers  down  !  '  " 

St 

SIR  THOMAS  LIPTON  tells  a  good  story  about 
a  Scotchman  who  went  to  a  horse-race  for  the  first 
time  in  his  life.  Says  Sir  Thomas:  "  This 
Scotchman  was  a  feeble-minded  old  man,  and  his 
companions  who  took  him  to  the  race-meeting 
presently  persuaded  him  to  take  a  sixpence  in  the 
third  race  on  a  ten-to-one  shot. 

"  By  some  amazing  miracle  this  outsider  won. 
When  the  bookmaker  gave  old  Sandy  a  golden  sov- 
ereign, and  his  sixpence,  the  winner  could  not  be- 
lieve his  eyes. 

Do  you  mean  to  tell  me,''  he  said,  '  that  I  get 
all  this  for  my  saxpence  ?  ' 

You  do,'  said  the  bookmaker. 

Ma  conscience !  '  muttered  Sandy.     '  Tell  me, 
mon,  boo  long  has  this  thing  been  going  on.'^  '  " 


By  Famous  ]Men 


89 


BRUCE  McRAE,  vho  is 
just  now  leading  the  com- 
edy "  Nearly  Married  "  to 
its  joyous  conquests  of  au- 
diences, likes  telling  about 
two  old  hide-bound  Aber- 
deen University  professors : 
"  There  was  a  certain 
Professor  Macdonald  who 
cherished  a  fondness  for 
the  refinements  and  minor 
graces  of  life.  It  was  just 
after  *  at  home  '  cards  be- 
came fashionable  that  he 
sent  one  of  the  hardest- 
shelled  of  the  old  profes- 
sional regime  this  note: 

Professor  and  Mrs. 
Macdonald  present  their  compliments  to  Professor 
Scott,  and  hope  tliat  he  is  well.  Professor  and 
Mrs.  Macdonald  will  be  home  on  Wednesday  even- 
ing, the  sixth  inst.  at  eight  o'clock.  Professor 
Scott  will  also  be  home.'  " 


KING  GEORGE  THE  FIFTH  of  England  was 
telling  a  group  of  friends  of  some  of  his  experi- 
ences since  the  British  crown  and  sceptre  came 
into  his  keeping. 

"  I  was  at  an  informal  tea  the  other  afternoon," 


90  After  Dinner  Stories 

said  the  king,  "  and  was  bidding  my  distinguished 
hostess  good-bye  when  her  little  daughter,  a  child 
of  seven  or  eight  years,  came  forward  timidly,  look- 
ing as  if  she  had  something  to  say.  She  was  a 
beautiful  child,  and  when  her  mother  formally  pre- 
sented her  she  courtcsied  prettily  and  said  in  a 
loud,  clear  voice, 

"  '  I    think   your    JNIajcsty   is   a   very   wonderful 
man.' 

Why  do  you  say  that,  my  dear.'' '  I  asked. 

Because,'    said   the   little   girl,   '  mamma   told 
me  to.'  " 


THOMAS  NELSON  PAGE,  U.  S.  Ambassador 
to  Italy,  tells  of  an  office-boy  named  Eugene,  and 
coloured,  whom  he  had  when  he  practised  law  in 
Richmond.  The  boy  wasn't  much  of  a  lielp  about 
the  office,  but,  with  proper  persuasion,  he  could  be 
induced  to  sweep  out  every  morning.  One  day, 
however,  he  did  not  appear.  Page  went  to  the 
office,  saw  it  was  not  swept,  and  went  out  and 
walked  around  for  an  hour.  But  no  boy  had  been 
there.  He  waited  another  hour,  and  still  no  boy. 
He  waited  until  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  and 
no  boy ;  so,  very  angry,  he  decided  to  go  out  and 
interview  the  boy's  father  about  it. 

"  Tliat  rascally  boy  of  yours  hasn't  been  at  my 
office  at  all  to-day,"  exploded  Page. 

"  Sho'ly,  Massa  Tom,"  replied  the  father,  "  you- 


By  Famous  ]Men  91 

all  ain'  tellin'  me  dat  boy  Eugene  hain't  done  bin 
dar  yet?  " 

"  I  am  telling  you.  He  hasn't  been  there  all 
day." 

"  That's  ver'  strange,"  commented  the  father; 
"  but  I  reckon  you-all  hafter  'scuse  him  dis 
mawnin." 

"  Excuse  him!     Why?  "  roared  Page. 

"  Well,  Massa  Tom,  he's  daid." 


MAYOR   MARSHALL,  of  Columbus,  Ohio,  tells 
the  following  story : 

"  A  teacher  said  to  her  class, 

Who  was  the  first  man  ?  ' 

George  Washington/  a  little  boy  shouted 
IDromptly. 

How  do  you  make  out  that  George  Washing- 
ton was  the  first  man  ?  '  asked  the  teacher,  smiling 
indulgently. 

Because,'  said  the  little  boy,  '  he  was  first  in 
war,  first  in  })eace,  and  first  in  the  hearts  of  his 
countrymen.' 

"  But  at  this  j)oint  a  larger  boy  held  up  liis  hand. 

^^'ell,'  said  the  teacher  to  liim,  '  wlio  do  you 
think  was  the  first  man?  ' 

"  '  I  don't  know  what  his  name  was,'  said  the 
larger  boy,  '  but  I  know  it  wasn't  George  Wasliing- 
ton,  ma'am,  iK'causc  tlie  liistory  book  says  Cjeorge 
Washington  married  a  widow,  so.  of  course,  there 
must  have  been  a  man  ahead  of  him.'  " 


92 


After  Dinner  Stories 


SENATOR  NEW- 
LANDS  relates  what 
liappcncd  wlicn  tlie  old 
Avatchniaker  of  a  town  in 
Nevada  recently  retired. 

"  The       contract       for 
maintaining     the     church 
and    town    hall    clocks    in 
order    was    given    to    his 
successor.     The  new  man, 
unfortunately,     from    the 
beginning,   experienced   a 
difficulty    in    getting    the 
clocks    to    strike    at    the 
same   time.     Finally,   the 
town  council  remonstrated 
with  the  watchmaker. 
"  '  You     must     remem- 
ber that  every  watchmaker  has  his  own  methods, 
gentlemen,'   replied  the  man.     '  ISIine   are  not  the 
same  as  Cartledges'.' 

"  '  Well,'  stiffly  replied  one  of  the  councillors,  '  it 
Avould  be  better  if  tliey  were.' 

"  '  I  wrote  to  jNIr.  C'artledge  a  few  days  ago  about 
the  trouble  I  was  having,'  said  the  young  man. 
'  Perhaps  you'd  be  good  enough  to  read  his  reply.' 
"  He  ])roduced  the  letter  and  handed  it  to  the 
council.  It  read:  'Dear  Sir:  —  About  them 
clocks:  When  you  get  to  know  what  a  cranky 
bunch  that  old  council  are,  you'll  do  the  same  as  I 
did  for  twenty  years.     I'd  just  forget  to  wind  up 


Coiiyright,  Cliii 


By  Famous  yien  93 

the  striker  of  the  townliall  clock.  Then  the  old 
Rub.es  won't  be  able  to  tell  both  clocks  ain't  strik- 
ing together.'  " 

JUDSOX  HARMOX.  formerly  governor  of  Ohio, 
remarked  while  condemning  in  his  good-natured 
wa}'  an  opponent's  argument,  that  its  logic  re- 
minded him  of  that  of  a  3'oung  woman  of  his  ac- 
quaintance at  Dayton. 

"  This  young  lady  sat  one  afternoon  on  the 
piazza  of  her  pretty  little  home,  busily  employed 
in  plying  the  needle.  A  coat  of  her  husband's  was 
in  her  lap.  The  husband  himself  presently  ap- 
peared. Looking  up,  she  said  to  him  fretfully: 
'  It's  too  bad,  Robert,  the  careless  way  your  tailor 
put  this  button  on.  This  is  the  fifth  time  I've  had 
to  sew  it  on  for  vou.'  " 


LILLIAN  M.  X.  STEVEXS,  president  of  the 
National  W.  C.  T.  U.,  relates  an  anecdote  about  a 
reception  gotten  up  for  her  by  an  Alabama  Sun- 
day-school. 

"  One  little  piccaninny  had  been  taught  to  recite 
the  line  from  the  >List(r:    '  It  is  I.     B<:  not  afraid.' 

"  Winn  tile  little  fellow  came  upon  the  plat- 
form, where  he  was  to  do  his  ))art,  he  was  ashy 
with  stage  frigiit,  but  with  l;is  small  voice  trem- 
bling and  full  of  tears,  iu;  managed  to  say: 

'Tain't  nobody  but  me.      Doan'  git  skecred.'  " 


94  After  Dinner  Stories 

ROBERT  MACON,  congressman  from  Arkansas, 
votu'lus  for  the  following  story: 

Till'  owner  of  a  ])rcl(iilious  town  dwelling  was 
nadiiig  in  the  sinoking-roon)  of  his  lionie  when  he 
looked  up  from  his  jjaper  and  saw  a  seedy-looking 
individual  standing  down  on  the  carriage-way,  eyes 
dilated  and  mouth  wide  open,  seemingly  amazed  at 
the  imposing  sight  before  him. 

After  watching  him  some  time  the  owner  became 
annoyed,  and  leaning  out  the  window,  said : 

"  My  man,  don't  you  know  this  is  private  pro))- 
erty?  Why  do  you  stand  there  staring  at  my 
house?     Do  you  take  it  for  a  church?  " 

His  unwelcome  visitor,  after  looking  him  over 
as  carefully  as  he  could  at  the  distance,  replied, 

"  Wall,  I  thought  as  how  it  might  be  a  church 
till  I  saw  the  devil  poke  his  head  out'n  the  win- 
dow." 


KAISER  WILLMM  of  Germany  tells  with  much 
gusto  and  amusement  the  following  story,  in  which 
he  himself  figures   as   anything  but  the  hero: 

"  I  was  discussing  the  theory  and  practice  of 
medicine  with  good  doctor  von "  says  the  Em- 
peror, mentioning  the  name  of  one  of  Germany's 
most  celebrated  physicians.  "  We  finally  fell  into 
aniniated  conversation  as  to  tlie  workings  of  the 
human  brain,  its  marvellous  meclianism,  its  extreme 
delicacy,  and  tlie  ease  with  which  it  can  be  thrown 
out  of  order. 


By  Famous  Men  95 

*"  If  you  were  familiar,  your  ^Majesty,  with  the 
symptoms  of  concussion  of  the  brain  — '  began  the 
doctor. 

"  '  But  I  am  perfectly  familiar  with  the  symp- 
toms of  concussion,'  I  interrupted. 

"  '  I  am  astonished/  replied  the  good  doctor. 

"  '  Let  me  prove  my  knowledge/  I  said.  '  If, 
for  example,  I  banged  my  head  terrifically  against 
yours,  would  we  not  both  suffer  concussion  of  the 
brain  ?  ' 

"  ■  Pardon  me,  sire,'  he  replied,  '  I  think  that  I 
might.' 

"  I  did  not  punish  him  for  lese-majesty/'  laugh- 
ingly concludes  the  Emperor,  "  richly  as  he  de- 
served it." 


SENATOR  LA  EOLLETTE,  criticising  a  trust, 
said: 

"  Its  dignity  under  abuse  and  attack  is,  some- 
how, funny.  It  reminds  me  of  a  little  Sioux  City 
girl. 

"  One  morning  she  hung  about  the  kitchen  con- 
tinually liothering  the  busy  cook  to  death.  The 
cook  lost  i)atitnce  finally.  '  Clear  out  o'  here,  ye 
sassy  little  brat!'  she  sliouted,  thumping  the  table 
with   a  rolling-jiin. 

"  TIic  little  girl  gave  the  oook  a  haughty  look. 
'  I  never  .-illow  any  one  but  my  mother  to  speak  to 
me  like  that,'  she  said." 


90 


After  Dinner  Stories 


Copyright.  Cliiwdirist 


SENATOR  MILES  POINDEXTER,  from  out 
Spokane  way,  Washington,  wliile  attending  a  ban- 
quet given  by  the  business  men's  association  of 
his  city  not  long  ago,  delivered  a  brief  address  on 
timely  topics,  and  he  concluded  it  with  this  story 
which,  judging  from  the  way  it  was  received, 
struck  a  sympatlietic  chord  among  a  number  of 
those  present. 

"  A  man  of  threescore  and  ten,  who  had  pros- 
pered in  business  for  many  years,  decided  to  take 
liis  son  in  partnership  with  him.  The  young  man 
fully  appreciated  the  move,  but  in  his  newly  added 
dignity,  as  time  advanced,  he  became  inclined  to 
disregard  some  of  the  old  gentleman's  ideas  as 
fogy,  and  to  take  things  into  his  own  hands.     His 


By  Famous  INIen  97 

father,  however,  remonstrated :  '  Look  here,  An- 
drew,' said  he  one  morning,  '  let's  have  a  little 
less  "  I  "  and  a  little  more  "  We  "  in  this  business 
hereafter.  You  want  to  remember  that  you  are 
the  junior  partner.' 

"  A  few  days  later  the  young  man  appeared  at 
liis  father's  office,  with  a  look  of  anxious  concern. 
'  I  say,  dad,'  he  ventured,  as  the  old  fellow  glanced 
up  from  his  desk,  '  we've  been  and  done  it  now.' 

"  '  Done  wliat.^  '  the  stern  parent  queried  gruffly. 

"  '  Well  —  er  —  er  we've  been  and  married  tlif; 
typewriter.'  " 

MISS  JANE  ADDAMS,  the  brilliant  head  of 
Hull  House,  said  at  a  luncheon  the  otlier  day: 

"  We  women  have  still  much  to  fight  for.  Our 
battle  will  be  long  and  difficult.  Well,  let  us 
frankly  admit  it.  There  is  nothing  to  be  gained  by 
such  rose-coloured  plirases  as  William  White  em- 
ployed. 

"  William  White's  brother  had  killed  a  man  in 
cold  blood. 

"'Weil,  William,  how  about  your  brother?'  a 
visitor  to  the  town  asked  him  one  day  after  the  trial. 

"'Well,'  said  \\'illiam,  'they've  l)ut  him  in  jail 
for  a  month.' 

"  '  That's  rather  a  light  sentence  for  a  cold- 
l)Iooded  murder,'  said  the  gentleman. 

"  '  Yes,  sir,'  William  admitted,  '  but  at  the 
month's  end  they're  going  to  hang  him.'  " 


08  After  Dinner  Stories 

SIR  GILBERT  PARKER,  tlie  noted  aullior,  docs 
not  a<j;roo  with  Colonel  Rooscvilt  on  the  question 
of  large  families.  Small  families  sueh  as  i)revail 
in  France  indicate,  to  Sir  Gilbert's  mind,  intelli- 
gence and  progress,  while  large  families  indicate 
the  reverse. 

"  Large  families  are  so  embarrassing,  too,"  says 
Sir  Gilbert.  "  I  once  knew  a  man  named  Thomp- 
son who  had  fourteen  children.  Thompson  agreed 
one  sjiring  holiday  to  take  the  children  to  the  sea- 
shore for  the  week-end.  They  set  off,  reached  the 
station,  got  their  tickets,  and  were  about  to  board 
the  train  when  Thompson  was  roughly  collared 
by  a  policeman. 

Here,  wot  'a'  ye  bin  a-doin'  of?  '  the  police- 
man growled  fiercely. 

"'Me?  Why?  Nothing,'  stammered  poor 
Thompson. 

"  The  policeman  waved  his  stick  toward  the 
Thompson  family.  '  Then  wot  the  bloomin'  blazes,' 
he  hissed,  '  is  this  'ere  crowd  a-follern'  of  ye  fur  ?  '  " 

BOOTH  TARKINGTON  is  known  as  a  teller  of 
jokes  as  well  as  a  writer  of  delightful  novels  and 
plays.  The  humour  in  the  following  situation  ap- 
pealed to  him,  and  he  tells  the  story  with  a  laugh: 
While  in  a  small  town  in  Indiana  he  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  lose  two  valuable  bird-dogs.  Thinking 
to  expedite  their  return,  he  went  at  once  to  the 
office  of  the  one  newspaper  in  the  town,  where  upon 


By  Famous  ]Men  99 

his  inquiring  for  the  editor  he  was  informed  by  the 
sleepy,  tousle-headed  ofiice-boy  that  the  editor  was 
out.  He  then  left  with  the  boy  a  dest'rii)tion  of 
his  pets  with  an  alluring  otter  of  fifty  dollars  for 
their  return,  and  after  giving  explicit  instructions 
as  to  the  position  he  wished  the  "  ad  "  to  occupy, 
he  departed. 

Anxious  to  know  whether  the  office-boy  had  im- 
pressed the  editor  with  the  seriousness  of  the  mat- 
ter, he  returned  to  the  office  a  few  hours  later  and 
was  again  greeted  by  the  boy,  who,  tlie  only  occu- 
I)ant  of  the  room,  was  j^erehed  on  a  stove  dreamily 
gazing  out  the  window. 

"Where's   the   editor?"   asked   Tarkington. 

The  boy  leaned  over  and  spat  out  the  window, 
then  slowly  turned  to  the  author. 

"  He's  gone  out  tub  hunt  de  dogs,"  he  said. 


PRESIDENT  HADLEY  recalls  that  the  day 
when  he  succeeded  the  learned  and  witty  Timothy 
Dwight  as  president  of  Yale  University  the  exer- 
cises attendant  upon  the  transfer  of  authority  were 
marred  by  a  heavy  fall  of  rain. 

"  It  came  down  suddenly,"  said  Dr.  Hadley, 
"just  as  a  column  of  people  which  President 
Dwight  and  I  headed  were  crossing  the  camjjus. 
Some  one  handed  us  an  umbrella  which  I  was  about 
to  open  when  my  eomjjanion  took  it  from  me. 

"  '  Let  me  carry  it,  Professor,'  he  whispered. 
'  Your  reign  will  begin  to-morrow.'  " 


100  After  Dinner  Stories 

WHITELAW  REED  told  an  interesting  story 
about  two  friends  of  liis  who  rtinovcd  from  New 
York  and  purchased  a  home  in  a  Massachusetts 
village: 

"  One  of  tlieir  first  visits  was  to  the  cemetery. 

"  '  We  must  select  a  burial  lot,'  the  husband  re- 
marked. '  Life  is  uncertain,  and  we  had  better 
attend  to  it  at  once.' 

"  The  wife  agreed,  and  chose  a  site  on  a  Iiill 
overlooking  a  beautiful  lake.  IJut  the  husband  ob- 
jected. 

"  '  No,  Ann ;  it's  too  much  of  a  hill  to  climb. 
Let's  look  down  toward  the  lake.' 

"  These  lots  pleased  Ann  even  better  than  those 
more  elevated.  '  Here,  Frederick,'  she  said,  '  let's 
decide  upon  one  of  these.' 

"  Frederick  looked  at  her  in  some  surprise. 

"  '  Why,  Ann,'  he  replied,  '  I  did  think  you  had 
better  judgment.  I  shouldn't  think  of  being  buried 
in  this  low,  marshy  place.  It's  the  unhealthiest 
spot  in  the  whole  cemetery.'  " 

F.  W.  LEHMANN,  of  St.  Louis,  the  new  Solicitor- 
General,  believes  that  women  who  practise  the  law 
often  find  their  competitors  of  the  opposite  sex 
not  over-anxious   for   business   relations. 

"  Not  long  ago,"  said  Mr.  Lehmann,  "  one  of 
our  young,  rising,  female  lawyers  received  this 
letter  from  a  well-known  attorney: 

"'Madam:     We    agree    to    the    compromise    as 


By  Famous  Men  101 

proposed  in  your  favour  of  this  date,  not  because 
your  client  has  a  just  riglit  to  such  stttlement,  but 
from  the  fact  that  we  do  not  care  to  open  a  contest 
with  a  woman  lawyer.' 

"  Our  young  lady  of  the  law  immediately  des- 
patched this  reply: 

"  '  Sir :  I  note  yours  agreeing  to  a  settlement, 
although  I  cannot  congratulate  you  on  your  gal- 
lantry in  begging  the  question.  Like  the  original 
Adam,  you  seem  inclined  to  hide  behind  a  woman's 
petticoat.' 

"  The  following,  however,  closed  the  correspond- 
ence: 

"  '  Madam:  If  you  will  turn  to  the  early  pages 
of  Genesis  you  will  discover  that  Eve  did  not  wear 
a  petticoat.'  " 


OPIE  READ,  the  big,  genial  novelist,  story-teller, 
and  ever-popular  entertainer,  was  at  a  Chautauqua 
out  West  last  summer,  wlicre,  after  his  lecture,  he 
met  a  fellow  platformist  and  invited  him  to  have 
a  smoke. 

"  Come,  H ,"  said  Read,  "  get  your  pipe  and 

let's  get  comfortable." 

"  No,  thank  you,  Mr.  Read,  I  don't  smoke." 

"  Wliat!  don't  smoke!  "  exclaimi-d  Opic. 

"  No,"  declared  the  other,  "  I  never  smoku,  chew, 
drink,  nor  swear." 

"Great  Capsar,  man,"  cried  Read,  "I'm  doing 
one  of  those  things  all  the  time  I  " 


102 


After  Dinner  Stories 


j^jjlllj^  GUY     BATES     POST, 

^^^^^^^  who  has  created  the  title 

W  ...<<y>W^  role  ill  the  successful  pro- 

duction of  "  Omar,  the 
Tent-maker,"  tells  of  a 
friend  of  his,  a  very 
steady  and  serious  coun- 
try gentleman  who  joined 
a  metropolitan  club  which 
offered  the  unusual  ad- 
vantage of  bedrooms  for 
suburban  members  during 
their  visits  to  the  city. 

"  When  next  he  came 
to  town  he  repaired  to 
the  club  and  put  up  for 
the  night.  Now,  as  a 
matter  of  fact,  some  time  had  elapsed  since  he  had 
become  a  member,  and  in  the  meantime  the  club 
had  become  very  fashionable,  and  its  hours  corre- 
spondingly irregular.  As  was  his  custom  my  friend 
went  to  bed  at  an  early  hour  when  all  was  orderly 
and  the  other  members  decorous  and  quiet. 

"  The  following  morning  he  appeared  in  the  din- 
ing-room at  his  accustomed  hour  —  eight  o'clock  — 
but  to  his  astonishment  found  all  the  tables  de- 
void of  coverings  and  the  room  empty,  excejjt 
for  one  uniformed  attendant  who  was  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  dusting  process.  While  he  was  gazing 
around  confusedly,  a  sleepy-eyed  waiter  ajiproached 
him. 


By  Famous  ]Men  103 

"  '  I  beg  pardon,  sir/  he  said,  apologetically,  *  but 
no  supjjers  can  be  served  after  seven-thirty.'  " 


PRESIDENT  WILSOX,  when  Governor  of  New 
Jersey,  M-as  speaking  at  a  dinner  in  Trenton.  "  A 
statesman,"  said  he,  "  according  to  the  old-fash- 
ioned creed,  must  never  change  his  mind.  A 
changed  mind  may  indicate  a  splendid  mental  de- 
velopment, but  the  old-fashioned  are  sure  to  call 
it  inconsistency,  and  they  are  sure  to  come  back  at 
the  inconsistent  statesman  as  tellingly  as  the  old 
I^arishioner  came  back  at  his  pastor. 

"  A  certain  young  pastor  announced  nervously 
one  morning,  '  I  will  take  for  my  text  the  words, 
"  And  they  fed  five  people  with  five  thousand 
loaves  of  bread  and  two  thousand  fishes."  ' 

"  At  this  misquotation  tlie  old  jiarishioner,  from 
his  scat  in  the  amen  corner,  said  audibly,  '  That's 
no  miracle  —  I  could  do  it  myself.' 

"  The  young  preacher  said  nothing  at  the  time, 
but  the  next  Sunday  he  announced  the  same  text. 
This  time  he  got  it  right,  '  And  tliey  fed  five  thou- 
sand ])eople  on  five  loaves  of  bread  and  two  fishes.' 

"  He  waited  a  moment,  and  then,  leaning  over 
the  pulpit  and  looking  at  tlie  amen  corner,  he  said, 
'  And  could  you  do  that,  too,  Mr.  Smith?  ' 
Of  course,  I  could,'  Mr.  Smith  rejilied. 
And  how  would  vou  do  it?  '  said  tlie  preaelier. 
Why,  with  wliat  was  left  over  from  last  Sun- 
day, of  course,'  said  Mr.  Smith." 


104  After  Dinner  Stones 

VICE-PRESIDENT  SHERMAN  had  a  string  of 
stories  that  can't  be  beaten.  Up  around  his  room 
at  the  Senate  chamber  every  now  and  then  Ihe 
usual  solemn  stillness  was  broken,  and  loud  laugh- 
ter issued  from  the  dignified  precincts.  It  is 
l^robably  "  Sunny  Jim  "  getting  oft"  a  "  good  one." 

One  of  his  stories  has  to  do  with  a  sawmill  en- 
gineer who  got  a  job  running  a  locomotive.  He 
was  ordered,  right  off  the  reel,  to  take  a  big  engine 
into  the  roundhouse.  Reluctantly  he  climbed  into 
the  cab,  and,  witliout  knowing  just  what  the  ma- 
chinery in  front  of  him  meant,  pulled  out  the 
tlirottle. 

The  engine  leaped  forward  and  dashed  into  the 
roundhouse.  The  sawmill  captain  reversed  the 
lever  just  in  time,  and  the  engine  reared  up,  and 
backed  madly  out.  The  engineer  grabbed  the 
throttle  again,  and  the  same  experience  followed. 
This  performance  continued  until  the  yard-fore- 
man, aghast,  yelled  out, 

"  Why  don't  you  put  lier  in  the  roundhouse.^  " 

"  Blame  it,"  yelled  back  the  sawmill  engineer, 
"  I've  had  her  in  three  times!  Why  don't  you  shut 
the  door  ?  " 

SENATOR  CRANE  was  praising  the  art  of  com- 
promise. "  Compromise  is  a  good  thing,"  he  said. 
"  Take  the  case  of  a  young  builder  I  knew.  He 
got  married  about  a  year  ago,  and  after  his  mar- 
riage he  and  his  wife  had  an  interminable  dispute 


By  Famous  ]Men  105 

as  to  wliether  they  should  buy  two  motor-cycles  or 
a  five-Iiorse-power  runabout  suitable  to  their  means. 
He  said: 

My  wife  and  I  wrangled  for  months  and 
months,  but,  thank  goodness,  we  have  compromised 
at  last.' 

What  have  you  compromised  on  ?  '  I  asked. 
"  '  A  baby-carriage,'   he  answered,  with  a  wide, 
glad  smile." 

J« 

BARNEY  OLDFIELD,  whose  particular  hobby 
is  daring  death  in  high-powered  automobiles,  ac- 
cej)tcd  an  open  challenge  by  Jack  Johnson,  w'ho 
thought  he  could  drive  as  well  as  he  can  box.  Old- 
field,  who  has  made  a  mile  in  a  little  over  twenty- 
seven  seconds,  h.-id  an  easy  victory,  and  was  in  a 
story-telling  mood  at  the  dinner  which  celebrated, 
the  event.  A  taxicab  chauffeur  furnished  the  text 
for  this  anecdote: 

"  Having  run  over  and  killed  a  number  of  peo- 
])le,  and  presented  his  company  with  a  number  of 
lawsuits,  he  was  finally  discharged  for  reckless 
driving.  He  then  became  a  motorman  on  a  trolley 
line,  but  did  not  take  kindly  to  the  new  work.  One 
day  as  he  was  grumbling  over  his  fallen  fortunes 
a  friend  said : 

"'Oh,  what's  the  matter  with  yoii?  (aii't  you 
run  down  just  as  many  ))eo])le  as  ever?  ' 

Yes,'  said  the  ex-chaufreur,  '  I  can,  but  for- 
merly I  could  pick  and  choose.'  " 


100 


After  J) inner  Stories 


FIN  LEY  J.  SHEPARD, 
Avlio  came  into  newspaper 
lame  by  his  marriage  to 
Helen  Gould,  is  quite  a 
man  on  his  own  account, 
with  a  goodly  repertoire 
of  stories. 

"  In  the  southern  part 
of  Arkansas,"  relates 
"  Shep,"  "  where  the  na- 
tives take  life  easy,  a  man 
and  his  wife  were  one  day 
sitting  on  the  porch  when 
a  funeral  jjrocession  passed 
the  house.  The  man  was 
comfortably  seated  in  a 
chair  which  was  tilted  back 
on  its  hind  legs  against  the  side  of  the  house,  and 
was  engaged  in  whittling  on  a  piece  of  wood.  As 
the  procession  proceeded  he  said,  '  I  reckon  ol' 
man  Williams  has  got  about  the  biggest  funeral 
that's  ever  been  held  around  hyear,  Caroline.' 

"  'A  purty  good-sized  one,  is  it.  Bud.''  '  queried 
the  wife,  making  no  effort  to  move. 
"  '  You  betcher !  '  Bud  answered. 
"  '  I    certainly    would    like    to    see    it,'    said    the 
woman.      '  What  a  ]nty  I  ain't  facing  that  way! 


XEHEMIAII  DAY  SPERRY,  who  is  in  Congress 
from  Connecticut,  in  answer  to  some  pointed  ques- 
tions regarding  woman-suffrage,  told  this  story: 


By  Famous  ]Men  107 

"  It  was  at  a  Washington  dinner.  The  hostess, 
a  pronounced  heliever  that  women  shoukl  vote, 
smiled  a  smile  of  rare  pleasure.  She  reflected  com- 
placently that  she  had  captured  a  cabinet  officer  for 
the  dinner.  The  conversation  was  bowling  along 
smoothly,  and  she  leaned  forward  to  listen. 

With  due  regard  to  the  fair  sex/  said  the 
guest  of  honour,  pleasantly,  '  still  I  must  insist  that 
no  woman  can  devote  all  her  time  to  the  question  of 
suffrage  without  neglecting  her  household  and  chil- 
dren.' 

Xot  at  all,'  smiled  the  hostess.  *  I  think  I 
can  persuade  you  to  the  contrary  if  you  — '  She 
paused,  observed  that  he  was  staring  with  wide- 
open  eyes  at  the  doorway.  A  tiny,  nude  figure 
stood  there. 

Mamma,'  ])iped  a  shrill  voice,  '  Clary's  in  the 
kitchen,  and  I  tan't  find  my  nighty.'  " 


SENATOR  REED  SMOOT  tells  a  story  about  a 
certain  type  of  man  which  he  calls  the  "  other-])eo- 
ple's-business  fellow."  One  of  the  kind  was  trying 
to  extract  information  from  an  elderly,  prosperous- 
looking  man  who  sat  next  the  curious  ])erson  in 
the  smoking-car. 

"How  many  peojile  work  in  your  office?"  he 
asked. 

"  Oh,"  responded  the  elderly  one,  gelling  up  and 
throwing  aw.iy  his  cigar,  "  I  should  say,  at  a  rough 
guess,  about  two-lhird.s  of  tliem." 


108  After  Dinner  Stories 

IGNACE  PADEREWSKI  tells,  at  liis  own  ex- 
pense, this  incident  which  occurred  during  his  last 
visit  here: 

"  I  was  hurrying  along  Broadway  one  afternoon 
when  a  pug-nosed  urchin  with  a  bundle  of  papers 
under  his  arm  stopped  me  and  asked  me  the  time. 
He  was  a  smiling  little  rat,  and  in  good  humour. 
I  drew  out  my  watch  and  told  him  it  was  ten 
minutes  to  three.     The  young  rascal  said: 

"  '  At  three  o'clock  get  your  hair  cut.' 

"  I  appealed  to  a  policeman  who  stood  near-by 
and  who  had  overheard  the  colloquy  between  the 
small  boy  and  myself.  '  Officer,'  I  said  in  tones 
of  vengeance,  '  this  lad  has  insulted  me.  You  heard 
him.      What  do  you  think  I  should  do  ?  ' 

"  The  policeman  glanced  slowly  at  a  neighbour- 
ing clock,  then  back  at  me,  and  replied  stolidly, 
'  Well,  sir,  you  still  have  a  good  eight  minutes.'  " 


FRANCIS  WILSON,  the  actor,  tells  the  following 
story  on  John  Mason: 

Wilson,  having  spent  several  summers  at  a  small 
hotel  in  Vermont,  advised  Mason,  who  was  in  search 
of  a  quiet  place  for  rest,  to  go  there,  telling  the 
])ropri(tor  that  he  was  Wilson's  friend.  Mason 
arrived  at  the  small  town  and  made  his  way  to  the 
inn.  He  found  the  proprietor  sitting  on  the  front 
porch,  with  his  chair  tipped  back,  smoking  a  corn- 
cob pipe. 

"  '  I  am  Mr,  Mason,"  he  began.     '  I  have  come 


By  Famous  ]Men  109 

here  through  a  friend  of  mine,  Mr.  Francis  Wilson.' 
"  The  landk)rd,  quite  unconcerned,  kejjt  on  smok- 
ing. Thinking  he  might  he  deaf,  the  newcomer 
started  again  and  somewhat  louder.  '  I  am  Mr. 
Mason ;  I  have  come  here  through  a  friend  of  mine, 
Mr.  Francis  Wilson.'  Still  no  response.  Con- 
vinced of  his  deafness,  Mr.  Mason  began  once  more. 
'  I  say,'  he  roared,  '  I  am  Mr.  Mason,  and  have 
come  here  through  a  friend,  Mr.  Francis  Wilson.' 

"  The  proprietor  slowly  took  his  pipe  from  his 
mouth,  and  turned  to  Mason.  '  I  heered  you  the 
first  time,'  he  said  calmly.  '  What  d'you  expect  me 
to  do,  kiss  you.^ 

LEE  McCLUXG,  treasurer  of  the  United  States, 
once  accompanied  a  party  on  a  trip  to  the  Maine 
woods. 

"  One  of  our  number,"  says  Mr.  McClung,  "  was 
fond  of  all  the  Indian  legends  and  the  names  they 
gave  to  the  places  and  streams  of  that  interesting 
State. 

"  In  the  course  of  our  travels  we  came  upon  a 
little  glen.     '  And  what  do  j'ou  call  this.''  '  he  asked. 

Mystum,'  replied  the  Indian  guide, 
litre  was  a  new,  romantic  name  tliat  ))romised 
j)()ssihiliti{S. 

Why  do  you  call  it  Mystum?     And  what  does 
the  name  mean  to  the  red  man  ?  ' 

Well,'  re[)li(d  the  guide,  '  once  we  saw  a  big 
buck  here,  and  we  missed  um.' 


110 


After  Dinner  Stories 


CHARLES  P.  STEIN- 
IMETZ,  Sclirncctady's 
own  Avoiidcr-nian  of  elec- 
trical magic,  declares  tliat 
inventors  have  a  ])ower 
of  abstraction  which 
serves  them  in  good  turn 
on  some  occasions,  and  is 
liable  to  betray  them  into 
strange  reflections  on 
others.     For  instance: 

"  '  So  you  think  you've 
perfected  your  little  ma- 
chine at  last?*  asked  the 
lawyer  of  his  dreamy- 
eyed  client. 

"  '  Yes,  it's  all  right 
now ;  there's  not  a  flaw  in  it,'  replied  the  inventor, 
with  perfect  serenity.  '  But  I  can  assure  you  that 
when  it  came  to  making  the  final  test  I  was  fright- 
ened and  nervous.  I  happened  to  catch  a  glim))se 
of  my  face  in  a  mirror  when  the  thing  was  safely 
over,  and  it  was  as  white  as  your  shirt,  sir.  In 
fact,'  he  added,  directing  an  impartial  gaze  at  the 
attorney's  shirt-front,  '  it  was  winter  —  consider- 
ably whiter,  I  should  say.'  " 


LIEUT.  WILLIAM  P.  SHERIDAN,  the  noted 
police  officer  with  the  camera  eyes,  was  ruminating 
on  the  changes  that  had  come  over  New  York  since 


By  Famous  Men  111 

the  advent  of  Governor  Hughes  and  the  gambling- 
reform  crusades  of  recent  times.  "  I  used  to  know 
a  man  who  never  passed  a  hapi)y  week-end  without 
leaving  most  of  his  wages  at  a  certain  wide-open 
gambling-house  in  the  Tenderloin,"  he  remarked 
reminiscently. 

"  One  Saturday  evening  the  prodigal  started 
home  via  the  gambling-resort,  as  usual.  That  day, 
however,  the  lid  had  been  suddenly  and  softly 
tiglitened,  and  the  place  had  been  closed.  The 
man  tried  to  enter  the  door,  but  failed.  He  walked 
out  into  the  street  and  gazed  up  inquiringly  at  the 
closed  windows.  Then  he  walked  back  to  the  door, 
and  tried  it  again;  but  it  would  not  open.  Where- 
upon he  drew  liis  pay-enve]oj)e  from  his  jwcket^ 
shoved  it  under  the  door,  and  walked  calmly  down 
the  street." 

'Si 

DR.  DAVID  STARR  JORDAN  was  discussing 
at  a  dinner  in  Wasliington  certain  rulings  of  the 
International  Fisheries  Commission,  and  said: 

"  The  fish  there  get  no  chance.  They  have  as 
hard  a  time  of  it  as  the  whites  in  tlie  interior  of 
Ciiina.  A  Chinese  druggist  said  to  his  clerk  one 
morning: 

Didn't  I  see  a  foreign  devil  come  out  of  here 
as  I  came  down  the  street .''  ' 

Yes,  sir,'  the  clerk  answered.  '  He  wanted  a 
permanent  cure  for  headache,  and  I  sold  him  a  bot- 
tle of  rat-j)oison.'  " 


112  After  Dinner  Stories 

KING  VICTOR  EMANUEL  of  Italy  is  fond  of 
telling  this  story  of  a  valrt  whom  he  liad  finally 
to  get  rid  of  because  of  his  sus|)eet(d  though  un- 
proved dishonesty. 

"  Giuseppe  was  a  good  body-servant,"  narrates 
the  king,  "  and  while  I  never  caught  him  stealing 
I  had  many  reasons  for  believing  him  untrust- 
worthy. He  was  one  of  my  household,  and  I  con- 
fess to  a  fondness  for  the  fellow,  in  whose  veins 
there  is  really  more  than  a  trace  of  royal  blood. 

"  I  said  to  him  one  morning,  '  Giuseppe,  you  are 
growing  careless.'  '  Oh,  your  Majesty,  I  hope  not,' 
he  rejilicd.  '  But  you  are,'  I  persisted.  '  You 
sometimes  forget  to  brush  my  coats.'  '  Oh,  sire,  I 
assure  you — '  he  started  to  explain.  But  I  cut 
him  short  with :  '  There,  that  is  enough,  Giuseppe. 
I  left  six  florins  in  a  waistcoat  ]iocket  yesterday 
and  —  they  are  still  there.'  The  poor  fellow 
nearly  fainted,  but  whether  from  terror  of  dis- 
missal or  chagrin  at  having  overlooked  the  money 
I  couldn't  quite  make  out.  Anyhow,  the  six  florins 
were  a  myth,"  concludes  the  King  with  a  royal 
wink. 


KER:\IIT  ROOSEVETT  says  he  was  once  camp- 
ing in  eastern  Utah,  when  a  prospector  came  along 
one  morning  on  a  mule.  He  had  his  jaw  tied  up, 
and  at  first  seemed  inclined  to  pass  on  without  a 
word.  On  second  thought,  however,  he  halted  and 
gruffly  queried. 


By  Famous  ^Men  113 

"  How  fur  to  Salt  Lake?  " 

"  Three  hundred  miles." 

"  Humph !  " 

"Travelled  far?" 

"  About  two  hundred  miles." 

"  Get  your  jaw  hurt?  " 

"  Xo.  It's  just  an  infernal  toothache,  and  I'm 
a-riding  five  hundred  miles  to  get  it  pulled." 

He  was  invited  down,  and  one  of  the  crowd  got 
a  piece  of  string  round  the  tooth  and  jerked  it  out 
as  slick  as  you  please.  After  the  overjoyed  man 
had  ceased  dancing  about,  the  young  camper 
queried, 

"  Why  didn't  you  try  the  string  before  starting 
out  on  such  a  long  ride?  " 

"  Best  kind  of  reason,  sir,  I  hadn't  nary  a 
string." 


F.  HOPKIXSOX  SMITH,  painter,  author,  engi- 
neer and  professional  optimist,  tells  a  story  showing 
that  Boston  boys  of  tlie  street  are  like  all  others. 
He  overheard  a  conversation  between  two  young- 
sters selling  papers. 

"  Say,  Harry,  w'at's  dc  best  way  to  teach  a  girl 
how  to  swim?"  asked  tlie  younger  one. 

"  Dat's  a  cincli.  First  off'  you  puts  yer  left  arm 
under  her  waist  and  you  gently  takes  her  left 
hand  — " 

"  Come  off",  she's  me  sister." 

"  Ow,  j)usli   her  off  de  dock." 


114 


After  Dinner  wStories 


GOVERNOR  H.  C. 
STUART,  of  Virginia, 
tells  of  a  j)roiniiU"nt  busi- 
ness man  of  his  lionie 
town  who  is  also  an  en- 
thusiastic sportsman  but 
who  has  the  reputation  of 
being  a  very  bad  shot. 
Not  long  ago  the  Govern- 
or was  one  of  a  number 
^»»a^  • — "'^        w-ho   was   invited   to   dine 

^^B'  '  -'"•^''^^p^  with  the  sportsman,  and 
after  dinner  he  showed 
the  guests  a  target  paint- 
ed on  a  high  fence,  with 
a  bullet  directly  in  the 
centre  of  the  bull's-eye. 
This  he  vowed  he  shot  at  a  distance  of  1000  yards. 
The  story  was  accepted  as  a  huge  joke,  until  he 
offered  to  bet  new  hats  for  the  crowd  on  it.  This, 
of  course,  aroused  our  interest  sufficiently  for  one 
of  the  party  to  accept  the  wager.  He  produced  two 
witnesses  who  Avere  well-known  to  all  of  us  and 
whose  veracity  we  could  not  doubt.  Since  the}'  both 
unhesitatingly  stated  that  he  had  done  what  he 
claimed,  he  won  his  bet. 

The  loser  made  good  on  the  hats,  and  as  we  were 
retracing  our  steps  homeward  the  host  was  asked 
how  he  managed  to  fire  such  an  excellent  shot. 

"  Well,"  he  answered,  "  I  shot  the  bullet  at  the 
fence  at  1000  yards,  and  then  I  painted  the  tavget 
around  it." 


^5*S^^ 


By  Famous  ]Mcn  115 

ONE  of  Colonel  Roosevelt's  first  hunting  instruct- 
ors was  old  Bill  Sewall,  a  Maine  guide,  whom,  when 
President,  the  Coh)nel  rewarded  for  years  of 
friendshij)  and  adviee  bv  an  ofiiee. 

When  he  was  a  boy  the  colonel  went  into  camp 
with  Sewall.  Deer  season  came  along,  and  they 
went  out  to  give  the  youthful  Ximrod  his  first 
chance  for  i  shot.  After  a  time,  the  colonel  says, 
the}'  saw  a  stag. 

"Shoot!"  shouted  Sewall,  and  tlie  future  Presi- 
dent let  go  with  his  riHe. 

The  stag  ran  a  little  way  and  dropped. 

"  You've  got  him  !  You've  got  him  !  "  shouted 
Sewall,  as  he  ran  forward  to  investigate.  "  How 
did  it  happen  ?  " 

"  Why,"  replied  young  Roosevelt,  drawing  him- 
self up  proudly,  "  I  aimed  for  his  breast." 

"  You  done  well,"  said  Bill.  "  You  done  well. 
You  hit  him  in  the  eye." 

JUDGE  ALTON  B.  PARKER,  Democratic  candi- 
date for  President  in  19()l-,  is  said  to  tell  as  a 
favourite  story  the  tale  of  a  young  man  in  Savannah 
named  DuBose,  who  invited  his  sweetheart  to  take 
a  buggy-ride  with  him.  The  young  woman  liad  a 
fetching  lisp.  When  they  reached  a  rather  lono- 
sonic  bit  of  road  the  young  man  announced : 

"  This  is  where  you  have  to  ])ay  toll.  The  toll 
is  eitlier  .-i  kiss  or  squeeze." 

"  Oh,  .Mr.  Dii  Hotli !  "  exclaimed  his  companion. 


116  After  Dinner  Stories 

JOHN  W.  KERN,  wliom  last  fall's  political  up- 
heaval landed  in  Senator  licvcridge's  scat  in  the 
Senate,  has  a  favourite  story  ahoiit  an  Arkansas 
man  who  traded  land  for  a  mule. 

In  the  Arkansas  hills  one  day,  Mr.  Kern  met  a 
man  riding  a  rough  specimen  of  lo))-eared  mule. 

"  What  is  a  mule  like  that  worth.''  "  he  inquired. 

"  Traded  a  farm  for  this  one,"  replied  the  trav- 
eller. 

"  A  farm!  wasn't  that  a  big  price?   ' 

"  That  it  wasn't,  stranger,  and  I'll  tell  you  what 
I  did.  The  man  who  owned  the  mule  couldn't 
read  or  write,  and  when  the  deed  was  drawn  up  I 
just  slipped  in  another  eighty  acres,  and  he  hasn't 
found  it  out  yet." 

J» 

SEN.  JONATHAN  P.  DOLLIVER,  of  Towa,  in 
illustration  of  the  actions  of  a  Congressional  an- 
tagonist who  was  making  an  effort  to  ])atcli  up  an 
old  measure  rather  than  accept  a  new  one,  tells 
this  story: 

"  A  kindly  old  lady  sympathising  with  a  one- 
legged  man  exclaimed,  '  It  must  be  a  terrible  thing 
to  go  tlirough  life  without  your  leg,  but  you  must 
remember,  my  poor  man,  it  will  be  restored  to  you 
in  the  next  world.' 

"  '  I  know  it  will,  mum,  but  that  ain't  very  en- 
couragin',  for  it  was  cut  off  when  I  was  a  baby,  an' 
it  won't  come  within  a  couple  of  foot  of  the  ground 
when  it's  restored.'  " 


By  Famous  Men  117 

HENRY  WATTERSOX,  editor  of  the  Louisville 
Courier-Journal,  was  one  of  a  group  of  newspaper 
men  who,  during  a  convention  of  that  fraternity, 
were  one  afternoon  talking  of  typograjjhical  errors. 
Said  he: 

"  While  I've  heard  of  a  great  many  funny  typo- 
graphical breaks  in  my  time,  about  the  oddest  and 
most  humorous  transposition  of  types  that  ever 
came  to  m}'  observation  was  that  in  a  New  Yoi'k 
newspaper  some  years  ago.  The  paper  used  to 
print  its  shipping  news  on  the  same  page  with  the 
obituaries.  Imagine  the  glee  with  which  its  readers 
found  the  captions  changed  one  morning,  a  long  list 
of  respectable  names  being  set  forth  under  the 
marine  head,  '  Passed  Through  Hell  Gate  Yester- 
day.' " 

NATHAN  STRAUS,  New  York's  practical  phi- 
lanthropist, discussing  the  absurd  difficulties  that 
confront  sanitists  in  their  endeavour  to  pass  laws 
compelling  the  pasteurisation  of  milk,  said: 

"  The  legislators  who  oppose  this  law  bring  for- 
ward arguments  about  as  weak  as  that  of  the  Maine 
milkman.  A  lady,  summering  in  Maine,  said  to  her 
milkman  severely: 

Look  here,  this  milk  of  yours  is  half  water 
and  half  ch.ilk.  What  do  you  mean  by  advertising 
it  as  pure  ?  ' 

Madam,'  said  the  inilk-manufacturcr,  with  re- 
proachful dignity, '  to  the  pure  all  things  are  pure.'  " 


118 


After  Dinner  Stories 


DAVID   I.  WALSH, 

the  new  Democratic 
Governor  of  JNIassa- 
cluisetts,  was  recently 
escorting  an  English 
gentleman  around  Bos- 
ton. They  came  final- 
ly to  Bunker  Hill,  and 
stood  gazing  at  the 
splendid   monument. 

"  This  is  the  place, 
sir,  where  Warren 
fell,"  remarked  Gov- 
ernor Walsh. 

"  Ah  !  "  replied  the 
Englishman,  with  ap- 
parent interest,  which^ 

Copvn«ht.   lnUr.,ali„.,al  K.w»  bervca  howeVCr,     discloScd     thc 

fact  that  he  was  not  very  familiar  with  American 
History.     "Was  he  seriously   hurt  by  the   fall?" 
The  Governor  looked  at  his  friend. 
"  Hurt !  "  he  exclaimed,  "  he  was  killed,  sir !  " 
"  Indeed!  "  was  the  Englishman's  meditative  re- 
tort, as  he  continued  eyeing  the  monument  and  evi- 
dently computing  its  height.     "  Well,  I  should  think 
he  might  have  been  —  falling  so  far." 

JOHN  K.  TENER,  the  governor  of  Pennsylvania, 
is  an  inveterate  smoker  and  choice  as  to  his  selec- 
tion of  cigars.  Lighting  a  Havana  recently,  he 
said: 


By  Famous  Men  119 

"  The  Londoners  are  indifferent  about  tlieir  to- 
bacco —  indifferent  and  blase,  like  an  omnibus  con- 
ductor I  saw  in  Oxford  Stre'et. 

"  You  know  the  London  omnibus  ?  It  is  a  dou- 
ble decker.  If  you  sit  on  toj)  you  must  go  up  and 
down  by  a  very  steep  stairway. 

"  Well,  this  blase  conductor  pulled  up  his  'bus 
at  Regent  Circus  and  the  ladies  bound  for  Peter 
Robinson's  eagerly  got  out.  But  one  fat  lady,  who 
had  been  sitting  on  the  top,  came  down  the  steep 
and  winding  stairs  very  slowly.  Her  skirt  flapped 
around  her  ankles,  and  at  every  step  she  stopped 
and  tlirust  it  carefully  down.  The  conductor 
waited  with  bored  expression,  his  hand  on  the  bell- 
rojie ;  but  he  lost  patience  when  the  fat  lady 
stopped  for  the  fifth  or  sixth  time  to  thrust  down 
her  billowing  skirt,  and  he  burst  out  angrily: 

Now,  then,  lydy,  'urry  up,  can't  yer.''     Fig- 
gers  ain't  no  treat  to  me !  '  " 


OX  a  recent  stage  journey  in  Arizona,  Owen 
Wister,  the  novelist,  came  across  an  acquaintance 
of  his  early  Southwestern  rancliing  days. 

"  I  suppose,"  remarked  the  native,  after  an  ex- 
change of  greetings,  "  that  you  notice  a  good  many 
changes  out  here?  " 

"  Yes,  indeed,"  replied  the  aullior-lraviller. 
"  When  I  first  came  out  to  this  eounlry  there  were 
many  red  men  here  witliout  a  white.  Tliis  trip 
I've  seen  many  white  men  without  a  red." 


120  After  Dinner  Stories 

THEODORE  P.  SHONTS,  who  is  now  running 
tlic  New  York  subway,  was  one  of  the  first  to  have 
a  try  at  the  Panama  Canal.  There  was  more  or 
less  criticism  of  liis  work,  and  he  came  home.  The 
tables  are  turned  on  the  people  in  a  story  which  he 
tells  on  occasion.     Says  he: 

"  In  regard  to  Panama  the  people  are  as  credu- 
lous as  a  young  girl  I  have  heard  about.  She  came 
down  to  the  drawing-room  to  meet  her  very  special 
young  man,  with  a  frown  on  her  pretty  face. 

"  '  John,'  she  said,  '  father  saw  you  this  morning 
going  into  a  pawnbroker's  with  a  large  bundle.' 

"  John  flushed.     Then  he  said  in  a  low  voice: 

"  '  Yes,  that  is  true.  I  was  taking  the  pawn- 
broker some  of  my  old  clothes.  You  see,  he  and 
his  wife  are  frightfully  hard  up.' 

"  '  Oh,  John,  forgive  me !  '  exclaimed  the  young 
girl,     '  How  truly  noble  you  are !  '  " 


EX-ATTORNEY-GENERAL     WICKERSHAM 

was  recejitly  describing  an  unfair  law. 

"  The  peo2ole  under  this  law,"  he  said,  "  are  very 
much  in  the  position  of  a  young  Washington 
attache. 

"  As  the  attache  was  breakfasting  the  other 
morning,  his  servant  said  to  him: 

You  are  out  of  wliiskey,  sir.     Shall  I  get  a 
bottle.?" 

"  '  Yes,  I  think  you  might,  James,'  the  master 
replied.     '  It's  your  turn.'  " 


By  Famous  Men  121 

MRS.  J.  G.  PHELPS-STOKES  (Rose  Pastor), 
the  Socialist  worker,  recounted,  at  a  Socialist  meet- 
ing in  New  York,  her  amusing  experiences  among 
slum  children. 

"  Not  long  ago,"  she  said,  "  I  saw  on  the  street 
a  little  boy  and  girl  whose  clothes  looked  as  if 
they  had  grown  upon  them.  Speaking  to  them,  I 
urged  them  to  lead  me  to  their  mother,  who  politely 
informed  me  that  it  was  her  custom,  at  the  begin- 
ning of  cold  weather  to  sew  the  little  ones  up  in 
flannels,  freeing  them  witli  the  return  of  spring. 
I  persuaded  the  mother  to  put  buttons  on  the 
clothes  and  to  bathe  her  children  regularly.  Then, 
last  week,  I  visited  her  again. 

"  '  Well,'  I  said,  '  how  do  the  winter  baths  go?  ' 
"  '  The  children  don't  like  it,  ma'am,'  said  the 
mother.  '  Johnny  refused  his  bath  positively  yes- 
terday. He  said  you  could  do  as  you  like  and  he 
would  do  as  he  liked.  You  like  to  be  cold  and 
clean  —  he  likes  to  be  warm  and  dirty.'  " 


DR.  S.  WEIR  MITCHELL,  the  noted  Philadel- 
phia physician  and  author,  and  ex-ambassador  to 
England  Joseph  H.  Clioate  were  chaffing  each 
other  not  long  ago  when  Mr.  C'hoate  remarked: 
"  There's  one  thing  about  your  profession,  Doctor, 
that  I  liave  always  envied.  You  bury  your  mis- 
takes underground." 

"  True    enough,    Joe,"     retorted     Dr.     Mitchell, 
"  and  yours  usually  swing  upon  trees,  you  know." 


122 


After  Dinner  Stories 


ORVILLE  WRIGHT, 

I  J        the  genius  of  the  aero- 

**^'*^  "'  plane,   while   speaking 

reminiscently  of  his 
early  experiments  be- 
fore he  and  his  broth- 
er really  could  fly,  said 
those  first  trials  re- 
minded him  of  an  in- 
cident occurring  a  few 
months  ago  in  the 
Glacier  National  Park, 
the  Government's  won- 
derland of  scenery  in 
Montana. 

"  This  park  for  the 
most  part  has  to  be 
traversed  in  the  saddle,  and  the  '  tenderfeet '  have 
some  amusing  experiences  with  horses.  The  ani- 
mals are  all,  in  Western  parlance,  of  the  '  dude  ' 
variety,  so  accidents  never  happen,  but  the  fears 
of  those  who  are  unused  to  horseback  riding  are 
variously  expressed. 

"  I  watched  the  start  of  one  such  cavalcade  from 
one  of  the  hotels.  When  all  were  in  their  saddles, 
the  guides  led  off.  A  school  teacher,  who  was  hav- 
ing her  first  experience  in  the  saddle,  had  difficulty 
in  joining  the  procession.  She  was  unfamiliar  with 
the  words  of  command  used  in  driving  horses,  and, 
wlien  the  animal  persistently  refused  to  start,  she 
shook  the  reins  over  his  neck  and  said,  sternly; 
"  '  Well,  commence ! '  " 


By  Famous  JSIen  123 

JOHN  D.  LONG,  Ex-secretary  of  the  Navy,  tells 
rather  a  good  joke  about  an  old  friend,  now  dead, 
who  left  behind  him  the  reputation  of  never  hav- 
ing been  too  tired  or  too  ill  to  give  or  take  a  joke. 

"  During  his  last  illness,  a  neighbour,  knowing 
his  fondness  for  brandied  peaches,  sent  over  a  small 
jar.     A  few  days  later  she  called. 

My  dear  Louise,'  said  the  sick  man,  '  how  can 
I  ever  thank  you  for  those  delicious  brandied 
peaches  ?  ' 

"  '  I  thought  you  would  apj^reciate  them,  x\.lex- 
ander/  returned  the  caller  modestly. 

"'Ah,  yes;  ah,  yes,'  he  assented,  with  a  smile, 
'  and  how  much  more  I  appreciated  the  sjiirit  in 
which  they  were  sent.'  " 

EX-PRESIDENT  FALLIERES  of  France  tells 
of  a  native  evangelist  who  knew  very  little  Eng- 
lish but  who  was  fond,  none  the  less,  of  speaking 
publicly  in  the  unfamiliar  tongue.  One  Sunday  he 
was  exhorting  a  congregation  com))oscd  chiefly  of 
Americans  and  English  and  startled  his  hearers 
by  launching  forth  into  a  prayer  ending  with, 

"  And  now,  good  Lord,  we  pray  tliee  to  protect 
and  pickle  us  all  the  rest  of  our  lives." 

When  the  service  was  over  the  ambitious  lin- 
guist's attention  was  called  to  his  expression, 
"  pickle  us." 

"  Well,  what  would  you  ?  "  said  he.  "  Is  it  not 
the  same,  to  preserve  and  to  pickle?" 


124 


After  Dinner  Stories 


EDGy\R  E.  CLARK,  the 
new  Chairman  of  the  In- 
terstate Commerce  Com- 
mission, was  cautioning 
some  commercial  ventur- 
ers. 

"  Never  go  on  the  ice 
until  it  is  good  and  thick," 
warned  Mr.  Clark.  "  Don't 
do  like  the  fellow  who 
went  skating  too  early. 
He  had  been  on  the  ice 
only  a  short  while  when 
his  lusty  cries  for  help 
echoed  among  the  sur- 
rounding hills. 

"  A  farmer  heard  the 
shouts,  and  hastened  to  the 
pond.  He  saw  a  Imge  hole  in  the  ice,  and  a  white- 
faced  young  chap,  with  chattering  teeth,  standing 
shoulder-deep  in  the  cold  water.  Placing  a  board 
on  the  thin  ice  and  crawling  out  to  the  edge  of  the 
hole  he  extended  his  hand  and  said :  '  Come  over 
this  way,  and  I'll  lift  you  out.' 

"  '  I  can't  swim,'  was  the  young  man's  impatient 
reply.  '  Throw  a  rope  to  me.  Hurry  up.  I'm 
freezing.' 

"  '  I  ain't  got  no  rope,'  said  the  farmer,  angrily. 
'  What  if  you  can't  swim  —  you  can   wade,  can't 
you?     The  water's  only  up  to  your  shoulders.' 
"  '  Up  to  my  shoulders ! '  cried  the  young  man. 


Copyright,  Cli, 


By  Famous  ]Men  125 

'  It's  fully  eight  feet  deep  if  it's  an  inch.  I'm 
standing  on  the  dodgasted  fat  man  who  broke  the 
ice !  '  " 

LAFAYETTE  YOUN'G,  for  a  while  senator  from 
Iowa,  is  authority  for  the  following  account  of  an 
accident  on  a  street-car  in  Des  Moines. 

The  car  was  crowded,  and  mostly  by  women,  who 
were  bent  on  sh()])pi!ig.  \\'hen  all  had  been  seated, 
the  three  or  four  men  who  indulged  in  the  luxury 
of  seats  looked  at  one  another  as  though  to  say, 
"  We  are  next  to  get  up."  In  fact,  three  women 
gcrt  on  at  the  next  stop,  and  a  business  man  rose  to 
offer  his  seat  to  one  of  tliem,  who  was  young  and 
very  pretty. 

"  You  are  a  jewel,"  the  latter  said,  smiling  as 
she  thanked  him. 

"  No,  madam,  I  am  a  jeweller,"  he  said.  "  I  set 
jewels." 

And  now  he  is  married  to  that  lady. 

.•* 

GEX.  NELSON  A  MILES  tells,  with  character- 
istic brevity,  this  story  of  a  friend  who,  after  a 
long  siege  of  typhoid  fever,  was  permitted  to  eat 
a  mere  spoonful  of  tapioca.  When  the  nurse  had 
refused  the  hungry  patient  more  food  he  turned  to 
htr  and  said  with  a  jxevish  gesture: 

"  Now,  I  w;int  to  read  a  little,  lirnig  me  a 
postage-stamp." 


120  After  Dinner  Stories 

JACK  LONDON  enjoys  being  considered  a  jolly 
s.iilorinan;  but  a  recent  experience  on  a  camping 
tour  shows  that  there  are  times  when  liis  instinct 
for  sea-things  plays  him  false.  The  mustangs  he 
drove  on  this  trip  were  liis  undoing.  These  were 
put  in  a  corral  one  misty  evening  when  the  party 
was  on  tlie  coast.  Late  at  night,  from  the  tent, 
]\Ir.  London  thought  he  heard  trouble  among  the 
nags.  There  was  a  groaning  as  if  one  were  down. 
The  author  tumbled  out  into  the  wet  and,  using 
matclies,  searched  tlie  corral  witliout  finding  trou- 
ble. 

"What's  the  matter,  jNLate?"  called  Mrs.  Lon- 
don from  the  tent. 

"  Don't  you  hear  the  horse  moaning?  "  was  the 
response. 

"  Oh,  come  in  out  of  the  wet !  "  shouted  Mrs. 
London.     "  That's  the  foghorn  you  hear." 

.$« 

JOHN  D.  ROCKEFELLER  narrates  this  amus- 
ing, if  somewhat  improbable,  story  about  a  certain 
venerable  archdeacon  who  engaged  as  a  new  foot- 
man a  well-recommended  youtli  who  had  served  as 
stable-boy.  The  first  duty  which  the  youth  was 
called  upon  to  perform  was  to  accompany  the  arch- 
deacon on  a  series  of  formal  calls. 

"  '  Bring  the  cards,  Thomas,  and  leave  one  at 
each  house,'  ordered  the  master, 

"  After  two  hours  of  visiting  from  house  to  house 
the  archdeacon's  list  was  exhausted.     '  This  is  the 


By  Famous  ^len  127 

last  house,  Thomas/  lie  said ;  '  leave  two  cards  here.' 
"  '  Beggin'  j-our  pardon,  sir,'  was  the  deferential 
reply,  '  I  can't;  I've  only  the  ace  o'  spades  left.'  " 

ATLEE  POMERENE,  the  new  senator  from 
Ohio,  relates  the  sad  case  of  a  farmer  who  took 
much  pride  in  tlie  looks  of  his  fattening  pigs  and 
who  once  purchased  a  pair  from  a  neighbour. 
Upon  delivery,  at  the  usual  age  of  eight  weeks,  they 
seemed  to  him  rather  small.  The  old  man  eyed 
them  dubiously,  and  then  remarked  dryly, 

"  I    guess    I    had    better   keep   the    cat   shut   up 
for  a  few  davs." 

.58 

SENATOR  "  BOB  "  TAYLOR,  of  Tennessee, 
tells  a  story  of  how,  when  he  was  "  Fiddling  Bob," 
governor  of  that  State,  an  old  negress  came  to  liim 
and  said: 

Massa  Gov'na,  we's  miglity  po'  this  winter, 
and  Ah  wish  you  would  pardon  mah  old  man.  He 
is  a  fiddler  same  as  you  is,  and  lie's  in  the  pen'- 
tentry." 

"  What  was  he  ))ut  in  for?  "  asked  tlie  governor. 

"  Stead    of    workin'    fo'    it    that    good-fo'-nothin' 
nigger  done  stole  some  bacon." 

"If  lie  is  good   for  notliing  wh.it  do  you   want 
him  back  for?  " 

"  Well,  yo'  see,  we's  all  out  of  bacon  ag'in,"  said 
the  old  negress  innocently. 


128  After  Dinner  Stories 

SENATOR  LODGE,  of  Massachusetts,  by  way 
of  |)oiiitiii<;-  a  moral  of  New  England  economy,  spun 
tliis  yarn  the  other  day  to  three  or  four  b^'statiders 
in  the  Capitol: 

There  was  a  funeral  m  one  of  the  small  farm- 
houses in  the  neighbourhood  of  Cape  Cod,  and  the 
friends  of  the  deceased  were  gathering  in  the  tiny 
parlour  wlien  there  entered  tlie  room  a  typical  New 
England  female  of  the  kind  that  mingles  curiosity 
witli  sympathy.  As  slie  glanced  around  the  dark- 
ened room,  she  said  to  the  bereaved  widow: 

"  Where  did  you  get  that  new  eight-day  clock?  " 
"  We  ain't  got  no  new  eight-day  clock,"  was  the 
reply. 

"  You  ain't.''     What's  that  in  the  corner  there?  " 
"  That's   the   deceased.     We   stood   him   on   end 
to  make  room  for  the  mourners." 


RABBI  WISE,  when  he  visited  Boston  for  the  first 
time,  was  undecided  at  what  hotel  to  stop.  As  he 
wandered  up  Summer  Street  from  the  South  Sta- 
tion, he  determined  to  inquire  for  a  good  hotel. 
So  he  accosted  a  fine-appearing  man  who  was  com- 
ing toward  him,  confident  that  from  such  a  citizen 
he  would  be  sure  to  get  the  very  best  advice  as  to 
his  choice  of  a  stopping-place. 

"What  would  be  a  good  j^lace  to  stop  at?"  he 
inquired  of  the  stranger. 

"  Just  before  you  reach  the  at,"  was  the  discon- 
certing reply. 


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